The Straight Up Most Ridiculous Anti-A-Rod Article I've Ever Read In My Life

I knew this was coming.  I predicted it.  But even I couldn't predict something of this magnitude, especially from someone who seems to be a relative nobody in the Yankee MSM world.

/says the guy with the most generic-looking blog template out there and no Twitter account

Jason Keidel of CBS NY just put himself on the map with his Alex Rodriguez smear article last night.  I'm talking in a big way.  I don't know what it takes to get into the NY media secret society with the Lupicas and Maddens and Marchands of the world, but I have to think after a piece like this Keidel is well on his way to getting an invite to a future society function.  The dude clearly has what it takes to hang with the big boys in the A-Rod bashing world, almost Mike Trout-like in just his raw, A-Rod bashing tools.  I'm actually going to link to this because it really does need to be read in its entirety to get a full appreciation for how over-the-top and ridiculous it is, but after the jump I'll tackle the highlights.

Bob Klapisch Should Probably Stop Talking

("Hey, Alex, can you talk more about what it's like to be a poopyhead?"  Courtesy of the AP)

Lot going on in Yankeeland right now.  They're exceeding expectations early despite non-stop injury problems, and traveling out to Colorado to play a series in a National League park with what could be a severely shortened roster.  They've got 2 pitches expected to carry the load struggling with velocity and command problems, a pitcher most weren't sure what to expect from pitching lights out, and an early AL MVP candidate in Robbie Cano.  No shortage of legitimate, relevant topics to write about with respect to this team right now, which can mean only one thing... It's time for some good old-fashioned A-Rod trolling!!!!

Alex Rodriguez was part of the parade of injured rehabees who made the trek to the team's Tampa complex yesterday, and of course that got every MSM beat writer aflutter as their A-Rodars started beeping out of control.  Bob Klapisch of the Bergen Record took it a step further with a truly asinine article about the Yankees being better off without A-Rod.  I know I shouldn't link to this, because this type of attention and cheap pageviews is exactly what Klap is going for, but I can't help it.  Something this stupid needs to be given its moment to be recognized for its stupidity and then torn apart for it.

Somebody Get Ian O'Conner A Paddle...

(Sweet shirt, bro.  Courtesy of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing)

... Because he's fixin' to dish out a written spanking to Alex Rodriguez.  We've been having some fun with the early MSM outcry in response to the latest A-Rod PED story on the AB4AR Facebook Page today, and for my money Ian O'Conner's piece from yesterday takes the cake.  It's a horrifically brilliant combination of moral grandstanding, lazy logic, self-disagreement and contradiction, and regurgitated attempts to state what is already known.  In short, it's a typical "write it as quickly as possible and get it posted so we can get pageviews" ESPN NY Yankee post.

Lowlights after the jump...

Checking In With Wally Matthews

If this offseason were "Inception," we'd all be in limbo right now.  Just an endless string of nothingness.  The biggest news in Yankeeland yesterday was that Scott Hairston signed with the Chicago Cubs for 2 years.  Second biggest story- the Yanks are apparently not interested in free agent catcher George Kottaras even though he makes a a lot of sense for them.  That's how boring it is right now.  The biggest Yankee-related story didn't even involve the Yankees, and both of the biggest stories revolved around them doing nothing.  Hachi machi, that's bad.

But fear not, Yankee fans.  Because Wally Matthews is kicking off his countdown to Spring Training, and he's doing it as only Wally Matthews can.  By trolling the crap out of Alex Rodriguez.  I wish I was kidding.

Hal Steinbrenner Does Not Compute

 ("I have more money than you.")

Hal Steinbrenner is not nearly as active in talking to the media as his old man was, and more and more it's starting to look like that's for the best because it seems like whenever he opens his mouth there's nothing good coming out of it.  I don't know if Hal thinks all the Yankee fans out there are as clueless about baseball as he is or if he thinks we're all just stupid, but the comments he made yesterday at the quarterly owners' meetings didn't make a whole lot of sense.  Some of what he said was downright offensive to me as a Yankee fan and someone who considers himself pretty knowledgeable about the sport of baseball.  Brian Costa of the Wall Street Journal had the most comprehensive collection of Hal's quotes and after the jump are my takes on some of the highlights.

Wallace Matthews Should Probably Stop Talking Part II: HOF Edition

It's been a while since I've had the pleasure (displeasure?) of ripping the ESPN NY crew for their blatant stupidity and shameless trolling for pageviews, and even longer since I've done it to Wallace Matthews.  Luckily for me he was generous enough to throw his hat in the moral ivory tower ring that everybody is clamoring to get into in regards to this year's Baseball HOF voting.

By the time you get a chance to read this post, this year's HOF class will have been announced, and it's almost certain that nobody will be inducted, certainly not anybody from the large group of first-time eligible players from the "Steroids Era."  Everybody knows who the names are, and anybody with half a brain knows that guys like Bonds and Clemens should be in regardless of their PED connections.  Not old Wally, though.  He's using this year's vote as a way to teach a lesson to those players and pretty much all of us about morality and how that's the most important criterion for determining HOF worth.  The whole steaming pile of garbage can be found here, and after the jump are the lowlights.

Ian O'Conner Should Probably Stop Talking

(Joba just minutes before his death.  Courtesy of Getty Images)

I regret to inform everyone that Joba Chamberlain, 27-year-old relief pitcher for the New York Yankees has died.  After a long battle with rehab from Tommy John Surgery and surgery to repair a severely dislocated ankle, Mr. Chamberlain passed away yesterday afternoon in his first attempt to make a comeback as a relief pitcher.

At least that's what Ian O'Conner wants you to think.  In its latest round of blatant trolling for comments and shameless bullshit writing strictly for pageviews, ESPN NY's O'Conner penned this disasterpiece today burying Joba, his future, his past, and pretty much his entire professional baseball existence after Joba's first outing on a Yankee mound yesterday didn't go so smoothly.  I expect this kind of garbage from the Wallaces Matthews and Andrews Marchand of the world, but I've never read anything this asinine from O'Conner.  Maybe I just didn't notice before, or maybe I was just lucky enough to not be exposed to anything else he's written that's this bad as part of my conscious effort to avoid all things ESPN-related when it comes to covering the Yankees, but this was impossible to miss.

As usual, I invite anybody who hasn't already read the story, and is a big fan of literary self-torture, to check it out in its entirety.  If you have enough intelligence to know that's a horrible idea, you can check out the lowlights and my comments after the jump.

AB4AR Presents: The Worst Of Chris Berman On "Monday Night Baseball"

(This guy knows his sports, people)

There was a time when I was entertained by Chris Berman and his schtick.  It was way back in the mid-to-late 90s, when I was still young and stupid, and awaiting the onset of puberty to at least attempt to mature me a little bit.  I took great joy in hearing him say "RUMBLIN'-BUMBLIN'-STUMBLIN'!!!" when calling football highlights or make explosion noises when a Mike Alstott highlight came on.  In a related story, I was a loser kid.

Since early high school, though, I've been keenly aware of a fact that many other intelligent sports fans know to be true; the fact that Chris Berman absolutely sucks.  He's an abomination of a "sports personality;' a bloated, self-important, uninformed caricature of what an ESPN anchor/studio host/announcer is supposed to be, and the perfect visual and auditory representation of what ESPN has horribly mutated into over the past 10 years or so.  So it was an entertainment dick punch to end all entertainment dick punches when the ESPN broadcast for last night's Yanks-Rays game began and I heard Berman's obnoxious voice come through my TV speakers.  I was already planning on tipping a few brewskis back while I watched the game, but as I told my friend, my 12-pack didn't stand a fucking chance when I realized Berman was doing the play-by-play.

While there's nothing informative or entertaining in what Chris Berman says or how he says it as it relates to the sporting event he's blabbing about, his general buffoonery is good for a couple of laughs at his expense.  Knowing this, I gritted my teeth and forced myself to concentrate and listen to what he said last night in the hopes that I could catch some good lines, and I think I came out with a few winners.  Please know that I didn't enjoy doing this.  It was practically torture.  But my dedication to you dear readers knows no bounds.  Without further ado, I present to you, The Worst of Chris Berman from last night's game.

Kevin Kernan Should Probably Stop Talking

(Pictured: Not Kei Igawa.  Courtesy of The AP)

Normally I leave the guys at The Post alone when it comes to their Yankee coverage. I've found that they don't usually get swept up in the MSM nonsense that good old Wally and friends over at ESPN NY thrive on. That's not the case today for Kevin Kernan, whose piece on Hiroki Kuroda's first Spring Training start reeks of "screw it, I've got nothing good to write about. Might as well try to create false panic amongst the Yankee fanbase for no reason." Come on, Kev. That's not right. 

"In the first inning, new Yankees right-hander Hiroki Kuroda was Hideo Nomo."

Actually, he was Hiroki Kuroda. And I don't think comparing him to a guy with a 4.24/4.23/.4.67 career tripleslash is a good way to express how well he pitched in the first inning.

"The second inning he was Kei Igawa."

No, he was Hiroki Kuroda. And that comparison is even worse. They don't even pitch with the same hand!

"Welcome to the AL East."

Or at least the watered down early-March version of it where you face a Rays lineup comprised of only about a third of their everyday players. Gotta watch out for the Jeff Keppingers and Jesus Felicianos of the world.

"Japanese pitchers have had their troubles pitching in the major leagues, but going from the Far East to the AL East is the most difficult transition of them all."

It's East meets East!

"Never forget the purpose of spring training is to work on your stuff and not get hurt."

Which is exactly what Kuroda did yesterday in his two innings of work, thus making everything else written before that sentence completely meaningless.

"In that respect Kuroda came up aces, ... "

Then what the fuck are you talking about comparing him to Kei Igawa?!?

"... but he is going to have [to have] everything working to come up big in the AL East. There is no room for error in this division."

None. Never mind the fact that Kuroda, and every other pitcher, has 8 guys on the field with him at all times playing defense to help make up for errors he might make in location or pitch selection. If you make one error in the AL East, you DIE!!!

"Kuroda is one of those pitchers who needs all of spring training to get his act together ... "

Him and most every other pitcher who participates in his team's ST activities. That's kind of why Spring Training exists.

“'It’s always important to leave with good results, but at the same time I wanted to work on my pitches and I wanted to make sure I had all my pitches, and I was able to accomplish that today,' Kuroda said."

Good. That's all that matters.

"At this point, all Hiroki Kuroda has to prove is that he’s not Kei Igawa." 

NO HE DOESN'T, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! Hiroki Kuroda has never been compared to Kei Igawa by anybody and he never should be. He's already proven that he's not with what he's done in his career and there's no reason to expect him to regress to Igawa's level of ineffectiveness now. The Yankees never would have signed him if they thought he was going to be another Kei Igawa. Stop using flawed logic and shoddy comparisons to create controversy that doesn't exist!

The only thing Hiroki Kuroda had to do yesterday was go out on the mound and work on his stuff, and that's what he did. He was happy with how he pitched, Russell Martin was happy with how he pitched, and Joe was happy with how he pitched. That's all that matters in Spring Training, and to try to stir the pot by playing off the Yankees' recent failure with another Japanese pitcher is lazy and irresponsible journalism.