Week 10 Recap
San Francisco 10 Chicago 6
In a game that borderlined on unwatchable, Jay Cutler provided some excitement and high comedy with his 5 interceptions and 15 sour puss faces on the sideline. Frank Gore was the only player on either side who put up decent numbers with 104 yards rushing and the lone TD of the game. Not surprisingly, ESPN executives announced after the game that it would not be considered for a "Game of the Year" ESPY.
Carolina 28 Atlanta 19
Michael Turner amassed 111 yards on just 9 carries, but it was his ankle injury that forced him out of the game that caused a bigger impact. Left without his bulldozer, Matt Ryan had trouble navigating the perilous streets of Pantherville and stumbled to a 2-pick performance that had Jake Delhomme asking him what his secret to success was. Not only did Delhomme fail to throw a pick for the first time since high school, the entire Carolina team managed to hold onto the ball for the whole 60 minutes, thereby not wasting the 30-carry, 174-combined yard, 2 TD performance from the Williams-Stewart combo platter.
Washington 27 Denver 17
If you had Week 10 in your office pool for the "When will Denver's mid-season collapse officially begin?" then congratulations. Kyle Orton's injury and Denver's defensive struggles against a team who handed its play-calling duties over to a BINGO caller could spell doom for the Broncos down the stretch. Clinton Portis' concussion and Ladell Betts' 114 yards and a touch on 26 carries could spell the end of Portis' time in a 'Skins uni. And H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T spells what I said when I realized Jason Campbell didn't throw an interception in this game.
Cincinnati 18 Pittsburgh 12
In a battle of defenses and kickers, the Bengals came out on top to officially end all speculation as to whether or not they are for real. Neither QB played particularly well, but Carson Palmer made a few more big throws than Big Ben, and did it all without raping anybody, which helped his team score the extra points they needed to win. With Troy Polamalu out again with a knee injury, Steeler fans must be concerned about who will pick up the slack in appearing in Head and Shoulders commercials.
Jacksonville 24 NY Jets 22
Maurice Jones-Drew leaped ahead of Mike Sims-Walker in the Hyphenated-Names BCS poll with his 24-123-1 stat line and his heads-up play to take a knee at the 1-yard line late in the 4th that allowed Jacksonville to run the clock down and ensure their game-winning, chip shot FG attempt would be the last play. After mangling his timeout management to almost Herm Edwards levels of bad and having his defense fail in the biggest drive of the game, Rex Ryan might want to stop focusing on firing up Jet fans and leave himself a voicemail reminding him to do his fucking job.
Minnesota 27 Detroit 10
It's bad enough when you give up 133 yards and 2 TDs to Adrian Peterson and 344 yards and a TD to Brett Favre, but when you counter your defensive ineptitude by putting the game in the hands of your rookie QB and having him throw 51 times, you're not asking to lose, you're begging to lose. I guess we shouldn't be shocked since nobody knows losing like the Detroit Lions, but come the fuck on; at least pretend like you want to win.
Miami 25 Tampa Bay 23
The Miami Dolphin RBs combined for 32 carries, 184 yards, 1 TD, 1 game-ending injury, and 2 counts of marijuana possession on the way to their last-second win. Bobby Abreu-Freeman looked good in his 2nd start at QB for the Bucs, but got outplayed by Chad Henne, who orchestrated a 14-play, 80-yard game-winning drive that used up all the time left on the clock. Rookie or not, getting outplayed by Chad Henne has to sting a little.
New Orleans 28 St. Louis 23
You can pretty much pencil the Saints in for a lose in the next 2 weeks after their 3rd straight lackluster performance against inferior competition. They were outgained 434-420 by the Rams, which doesn't bode well for the defense and Drew Brees looked shaky again, throwing for under 200 yards and 2 picks, which doesn't bode well for the offense. On the plus side, Reggie Bush actually ran the ball like he had hair on his nuts for a change, but the Saints seem bored right now and need a loss to get them re-focused for the stretch drive towards homefield advantage in the playoffs.
Tennessee 41 Buffalo 17
Sure Vince Young was good again, 210 yards and 1 TD, but Chris Johnson is just an absolute human truck stick: 26 carries, 132 yards, 2 TDs on the ground and 9 catches, 100 yards in the air. The guy isn't on even my fantasy team and I just got hard reading that stat line. Buffalo fans have to be asking themselves who is more useless at this stage: Marshawn Lynch or Terrell Owens. And everybody needs to chill with the Bud Adams middle finger deal; if you had to go sit in the middle of a shithole stadium in Buffalo, NY, you'd be flicking people off too.
San Diego 31 Philadelphia 23
LT's football pulse picked up with another 2-TD performance and 96 yards to boot and Phillip Rivers was Manning-like in his efficiency as he went 20-25 for 231 yards and 2 scores. Donovan McNabb's 450 yards and 2 TDs weren't enough to compensate for Philly's lack of running game without certified mush-head Brian Westbrook. Westbrook is so banged up and useless that Michael Vick was seen trying to drown and electrocute him in the locker room after the game.
Green Bay 17 Dallas 7
Ahh there's Tony Romo. I hadn't seen him in so long I was worried he had been kidnapped or something. In fairness to Romo, the Packer D was insanely good in this game, which makes it the first time this year I've been able to say that. Charles Woodson was amazing with 8 tackles, a sack, 2 FFs, and a brilliant interception on the goal line. A week after being dead in the water, the Pack have once again risen to Super Bowl Contender status, at least in the minds of all their unintelligent fans.
Kansas City 16 Oakland 10
Kansas City took advantage of another vintage Jamarcus Russell performance (9-24, 67 yards) but did themselves a disservice in trying to lock up a top-5 pick next year with their win over the Raiders. Jamaal Charles, now the feature RB after Larry Johnson left the team to go on a nationwide tour promoting homosexuality and equal rights, had 103 yards and a touch on just 18 carries. I bring this up only because it now makes me 1-10 in my preseasons fantasy sleeper predictions.
Arizona 31 Seattle 20
In a game that had a combined 934 yards of total offense, it's hard to hit every major stat, but the big ones were Kurt Warner's 340 yards and 2 TDs which gave him 200 in his career, and Justin Forsett's 123 yards on the ground and 1 TD for the Seahawks. The Cardinals get the big win they needed to mantain control of the division, something that should come in handy with the 49ers, Rams, and Sea-hahahahahahaha, oh Christ, I almost got through that without laughing!! Who the fuck am I kidding? Those teams are awful and Arizona owns this division.
Indianapolis 35 New England 34
In one of the most exciting Sunday night games in recent memory, these 2 upstart teams battled to the finish behind their young, relatively unknown QBs. Mark my words, if this Peyton Manning and Tom Brady continue to play like that, they are going to become big stars in this league. The one negative was New England's coach's decision to go for it inside his own 30 that late in the game. I don't who the fuck that guy thinks he is, but calls like that that end up costing your team a win will have you out the door pretty quick. You might want to do something with your career and establish yourself before you start pulling stunts like that.
Baltimore 16 Cleveland 0
From one of the best games to one of the worst, all I can say is at least the Ravens covered the spread. As for Cleveland, when you can't even be competitive against a team who is clearly going through the motions, it's time to just forfeit the season and go on vacation.
MNF Predictions for the Season (Winners): 8-3