Friday, October 2, 2009

Ted Williams' Head Getting The Shit Kicked Out of It in AZ

NEW YORK -- The New York Daily News is reporting that Red Sox Hall of Famer Ted Williams' severed head was mistreated at an Arizona cryonics facility, according to details from a new book.

In "Frozen," Larry Johnson, a former executive at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz., writes that Williams' head, which had been severed and frozen for storage, was abused at the facility. Johnson claims a technician took baseball-like swings at Williams' frozen head with a monkey wrench.

Williams, the last player to hit over .400 in a season, died in July 2002 at age 83; his remains were sent to Alcor for cryogenic storage in the hope that future generations would develop the technology to revive him.

According to the Daily News, Johnson wrote the book while in hiding after becoming a whistle-blower in 2003. He held the title of chief operating officer of Alcor for eight months, the newspaper said. He is scheduled for a Tuesday appearance on the ABC news show "Nightline."

Johnson told the Daily News he wired himself during his last three months of employment at Alcor and stole internal records. The book also includes photos of severed heads and procedures performed on bodies.  (story courtesy of

Just one more reason why the Red Sox will always be the ugly step sister to the Yankees' Cinderella. This is hands down the funniest thing I've read all week.

First off, it's funny enough that Williams was cryogenically frozen to begin with. I want to let it be known right now that if my future kids ever fight about what to do with my remains, I am going to come back from the grave and haunt their fucking asses until the end of time. That being said, it's not a surprise that something this ridiculous would happen to Ted Williams. Every historical account of him documents that he was a notorious fucking asshole and asshole parents are guaranteed to produce asshole kids, it's science. Naturally his asshole kids are going to disgrace his memory and legend by playing tug-of-war with his head. At least the man won that battle (score one more for the dudes), but in the process he makes his old man, and himself, look like even bigger douches than they already were. That post-death douche-ness combined with his previous life asshole-ism makes Williams a perfect candidate for a few dozen post-mortem whacks over the frozen melon. Add to that recipe the fact that he used to play for the Red Sox and it’s a miracle that the lab techs at Alcor didn’t pop his eyeballs out of his frozen head and piss inside his cranial cavity.

Something like this would never happen to Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe D, or Derek Jeter. Yankee legends are just better than Red Sox legends. In addition to being considered amongst the greatest players of all time, they are all widely recognized as being some combination of extremely likeable, charitable, professional, or in the case of The Babe, a fat, drunk, womanizer. Either way, their association with the Yankees makes them untouchable in terms of being fucked with. If any corny lab tech ever tried to take Gehrig or Jeter's head deep, he would be branded a scumbag for the rest of his days and more than likely deported from the United States. That is, if anybody from the Yankee organization was dumb enough to let their scumbag son have their remains cryogenically frozen, which they wouldn’t because it just isn’t the Yankee Way.

Fucking with the Yankees is like fucking with America; you try it and you're going to end up beaten and bloody crying in the corner with a broomstick shoved up your ass. Fucking with the Red Sox is like fucking with Helen Keller; it's easy, it's fun, and it's something that everybody outside of Boston knows, either secretly or not so secretly, that they would do if given the chance.

The guy at Alcor who decided to take some BP off of Teddy Ballgame's head was just doing what any good American would do. Whatever his badge or company ID number is should be immediately retired by the Yankees and put up on the wall at Monument Park next to Ruth and Dimaggio.

This incident is a perfect metaphor for how the Yankees-Red Sox ALCS match up will likely play out if Boston can make it that far; the Yankees will be the lab techs beating upon Boston’s lifeless heads and Boston will be the frozen old bitches sitting there taking it. You just can’t draw it up any better than that.