Hey A.J. Nice job out there tonight, bud. 6 earned runs on 6 hits and 6 walks in 3+ innings. Real quality outing there, chief. Nothing like putting up a 27.00 ERA and 4.00 WHIP after you're staked to a 3-run lead in the 1st inning to really inspire confidence in your teammates and light the path to victory.
Seriously, dude. What the fuck are you doing out there? You're making Javy Vazquez's season-opening starts look like Sandy Koufax's greatest hits by comparison. Somebody please get Dave Eiland, Dr. Phil, Dr. Drew, Dr. Zhivago, and Miss Cleo to the Stadium when this West Coast swing is over, STAT!