Wednesday, January 19, 2011

FJ'ing Cash's Soriano Presser Statements Right In The M

Lotta interesting shit said by Cash today during the introductory press conference for Rafael Soriano and in the subsequent Q&A sesh with the media.  I couldn't, in good conscience, let some of those statements go without commenting on them.  On with it.

"I didn't recommend it [the deal], just because I didn't think it was an efficient way to allocate the remaining resources we have...."

"And you know I know what I'm talking about when I say signing a relief pitcher to a 3-year deal isn't efficient.  I mean, 3 years and $21 mil for Damaso Marte??  Am I right?  Ehh, ehh?"

/looks around the press conference nodding and smiling

 "We are better with Soriano -- there's no doubt about that. It's all the other stuff wrapped around the deal, the money, allocating closer type money to an eighth-inning guy, those type of things."

"Did I mention the money?  And the fact that it's going to a guy who's going to pitch the EIGHTH inning???  Is this thing on?!?!  HELLO?!?"

“I think 29 other GMs would love to have their owner shove Rafael Soriano down their throat.”

Eeewwwww, dude!  Gross.

Seriously, though.  I don't think any GMs would enjoy that.  Rafael Soriano is just too damn big to fit down anybody's throat.  And even if you got past the physical impossibilities involved, you just flat out wouldn't be able to breathe with him stuffed down your throat.  Not to mention the fact that if he's down your throat, he isn't in the bullpen, earning his ridiculous salary.  So no, really no upside to having Rafael Soriano shoved down your throat.

“[Joba] is a bullpen guy, for the 200th time.”

Awwwww.  Somewere Mike Axisa weeps.

"I always thought that Pav [Carl Pavano] can pitch here.  He has shown he can pitch in difficult circumstances."

If by "pitch," Cash means "pitch very little and be completely ineffective when he was on the mound," and if by "difficult circumstances," Cash means "circumstances created by a combination of Pavano's own doing, then lying to the organization, and just being a massive, blood-belching pussy," then he would be right on.

If he didn't mean that then he's a fucking moron.

"Ultimately, I don't think he was afraid of coming back here."

If that's true then Pavano is an even bigger moron than Cash.  Not even joking, I honestly believe that if Pavano ever showed up at Yankee Stadium in pinstripes again he would be pelted with batteries and beer bottles until he simply drowned in them.

“It’s a difficult market to choose from" [referring to the pitchers left on the free agent market]

Because all the pitchers left completely fucking suck.  It's less of a market and more of a trash heap.

"Listen, if you’re still on the board, there’s a reason for it …"

That reason being because you completely fucking suck.

"The starter might have to come from within. Hopefully we have some of these young kids answer the bell for us.”

Not exactly a ringing endorsement for Sergio Mitre as the 5th starter, now, is it?  Poor bastard.  It's not his fault he's completely mediocre and nobody in the entire organization has any shred of faith in him.  He's just doing the best he can with what God gave him.  Unfortunately for him it already sounds like what God gave him is only going to be good for about 4 or 5 starts before Cash decides he's seen enough and calls up David Phelps or Hector Noesi.

Oh well.  Tough shit for Mitre.  Cash is obviously salty about having his recommendations on signing Soriano ignored so he has to do something to re-establish his control over personnel decisions.  Mitre is going to be the first casualty and I'm OK with that.  Preach, Cash!  Fucking preach!

Heeeeeere's Raffy!

 (Photo courtesy of somebody)

And he looks fucking PUMPED to be a Yankee!

Seriously, bro, lighten up.  You look like you're about to get sentenced to death.  You're a Yankee now!  King of the hill, top of the heap!  Don't be afraid to crack a smile.

No word yet on what Soriano had to pay Frankie Cervelli for the right to wear #29 this season.  But given that it was Cervelli wearing that number, I would bet it didn't go for more than 100 bucks.