Thursday, January 24, 2013

Checking In With Wally Matthews

If this offseason were "Inception," we'd all be in limbo right now.  Just an endless string of nothingness.  The biggest news in Yankeeland yesterday was that Scott Hairston signed with the Chicago Cubs for 2 years.  Second biggest story- the Yanks are apparently not interested in free agent catcher George Kottaras even though he makes a a lot of sense for them.  That's how boring it is right now.  The biggest Yankee-related story didn't even involve the Yankees, and both of the biggest stories revolved around them doing nothing.  Hachi machi, that's bad.

But fear not, Yankee fans.  Because Wally Matthews is kicking off his countdown to Spring Training, and he's doing it as only Wally Matthews can.  By trolling the crap out of Alex Rodriguez.  I wish I was kidding.

"Today we begin our countdown to the day we have all been waiting for since Oct. 6... "

October 6 was the day before the start of the postseason, which the Yankees were in.  That countdown would have only been 1 day.  Unless you weren't interested in the team you're paid to write about playing in the postseason and instead were just dying to get to pitchers and catchers reporting in 2013.


This was the subtitle of the post.  Just 2 sentences after stating that each post in this countdown would "present a list dealing with a specific issue facing the Yankees this season," we're already jumping to A-Rod's hypothetical future end to his Yankee career.  Because that will be the biggest issue the Yankees will face this season, you see.

"1. INJURY: The obvious choice, considering his age, recent injury history and history of steroid abuse, which generally leads to an overall physical breakdown."

Damn!  I thought the obvious choice was getting kidnapped and sold into sex slavery.

"2. TRADE: Much less likely, because how many teams are going to part with prospects in exchange for an aging player who is guaranteed a minimum of $20 million a year over the next five years, with a "reduced" rate that doesn’t kick in until 2016?"

Answer: None.

"3. BUYOUT: ... Hal Steinbrenner would probably cover his body in tattoos and piercings before forking over many millions of dollars to make A-Rod just go away."

And wouldn't that be kuh-RAAAAAZEEEEE you guyz?!?!

"4. RETIREMENT TO BECOME A MOVIE STAR: Sorry, but A-Rod is no Jim Brown.

5. RETIREMENT TO BECOME A PRO WRESTLER: Sorry, but A-Rod is no Hulk Hogan."

Are these supposed to be jokes?  Because they certainly don't constitute anything close to analysis, insight, or reporting.

"6. LEADING THE YANKEES TO ANOTHER CHAMPIONSHIP OR TWO: Well, what is spring training for if not for dreaming?"

Of course.  Because as everyone knows, A-Rod's massive contract still makes him the most important player on the team regardless of what the actual baseball statistics say.  Not Robbie Cano, not Teix, not CC, not Granderson.  It's all about A-Rod all the time.  If the Yankees don't win a World Series title this year it will be A-Rod's fault.

"QUESTION OF THE DAY: If you were to make a bet on how Alex Rodriguez's Yankees career will end, which number above is your money on?"

Answer: None.  Because this whole post is stupid and lazy and a waste of time.  Alex Rodriguez is either going to play out his contract and retire as a Yankee or he's going to die before his contract runs out and die as a Yankee.  Those are the only 2 options and those have always been the only 2 options for the last few seasons.

I know I haven't been around as long as you have, Wally, and I'm not part of the prestigious club of HOF voters who have to take that burden on every year, but let me offer this small piece of advice.  If you're writing a countdown to pitchers and catchers reporting to Spring Training, maybe you should write something about the Yankee pitching staff or catchers.  It's not like there's a shortage of talking points related to those 2 categories.  Jackass.

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