A Quick Word On Roger Clemens

Everybody knows by now that the verdict came back in the Roger Clemens perjury trial yesterday, and unsurprisingly it came back not guilty on all counts.  Seeing the way the Barry Bonds trial played out, I knew this was coming, and I don't feel bad saying that you're a complete idiot if you expected anything otherwise.  I didn't give this incredible waste of media air time and US taxpayer money one second of thought while it was going on, and I didn't give it one more second when the verdict was announced yesterday.

I don't need a guilty verdict to know that Roger Clemens used steroids.  I know he did, and I've known for a while now.  And it really doesn't change my opinion of him because I was never a big Roger Clemens fan anyway.  I always thought he was an asshole; I always thought he was a money-grubbing mercenary who was too caught up in the smell of his own farts and the sound of the local and national media fellating him to care about any of his teammates or fans.  My greatest memory of Clemens is him pitching like shit and probably faking an injury to get removed from Game 3 of the 2007 ALDS, so that should tell you everything you need to know about where I stand on him.

That being said, when I saw the video of his post-verdict press conference yesterday, I did have one thought and one thought only that went through my head.

(Screen cap courtesy of ESPN.com)

Holy Christ! What the FUCK happened to Roger Clemens?!?!  Look at that fucking guy!  He looks terrible.  Hair all disheveled, ill-fitting suit hanging off his bloated body like he just walked into a Men's Warehouse that morning and bought it off the rack, and a big pudgy "Kirby's Dreamland"-looking head.  Dude looks like a bag of smashed assholes that got run over by the entire Rose Bowl Parade.  That doesn't even look like Roger Clemens.  It looks like John Daly's stunt double.  Quick, somebody get him a HGH injection B12 shot, stat!

This is a guy that made north of $150 million in his baseball career, and that's not counting whatever he made off of endorsements and appearance fees and whatever else.  He looked like a complete schmuck when he walked out of the courthouse yesterday.  Just a complete bumbling mass of broken humanity, and in a way it was perfectly fitting.  His time in the public eye is finally over, and there's nothing more he can do to extend it.  Now he has to do what every other professional athlete who gets old does and fade into bolivian where he belongs.

 (Also courtesy of ESPN.com)

So go ahead and cry your crocodile tears, you fat phony.  You won't get any sympathy from me, and I'd like to think that you won't get much from most other intelligent baseball and sports fans either.  If you need a shoulder to cry on, go find Mindy McCready's dumpy ass or Suzyn Waldman.  Just get the fuck off my TV and get out of my sight.  You aren't going to make the Hall of Fame and you shouldn't.  Not because you did steroids and not because you did or didn't lie about it under oath, but because you're a selfish piece of human garbage who bled the game of baseball and its fans dry for your own personal gain.  I'm glad that my final image of you is going to be the one from yesterday where your outward appearance was finally as ugly as the man you really are on the inside.

Good riddance.