Miami 24 Carolina 17
Despite outgaining the Dolphins and holding the ball for more time, the Panthers fell to mighty Miami, who somehow is 5-5. Ricky Williams was a one-man wrecking crew as he smoked the Panthers to the tune of 22 carries, 119 yards, and 2 TDs, with a receiving TD thrown in for good measure (get it? Smoked? Because he's a pothead). Chad Henne once again stayed out of the way and did just enough to not fuck the game up and all of a sudden the Dolphins find themselves back in the wild card race in the AFC.
Dallas 7 Washington 6
This game had everything an old-school football fan could want: low scoring, low yardage gains, back-and-forth punting, failed 3rd down conversions, and field goal attempts. Tony Romo had an underwhelming 158 yards, probably due to the fact that Jessica Simpson was spotted wearing a Cowboys hoodie earlier in the week, but did find Patrick Crayton for the game-winning TD in the 4th quarter. After losing Ladell Betts to injury, the 'Skins are now down to Rock Cartwright as their #1 back and are rumored to be bringing in John Riggins and Ernest Byner for workouts this week.
Detroit 38 Cleveland 37
Straight of the "Who Woulda Thunk It?"-Department came this barnburner from 2 of the worst organizations in professional sports. The QBs combined for 726 yards and 9 TDs through the air, helping to take Brady Quinn's career off of life support for at least one week and to establish Matt Stafford as "The Man" in Detroit. Stafford's gutsy throw on the last play of the game with a super-fucked up shoulder earned him plenty of fans and gives the Lions hope moving forward. As far as Cleveland goes, you just don't know what else to say. Even when they put up 37 points they still manage to lose thanks to a pass interference call in the end zone on the last play of the game. Actually, that's kinda fitting for them, I don't know why I'm surprised.
Green Bay 30 San Francisco 24
The Pack hurled themselves headfirst back into wild card contention with a much-needed win against a game 49er team. Aaron Rodgers threw for 344 and 2 touches, and Ryan Grant picked up 129 yards and a TD on 21 carries to help the Pack hold off a furious 4th-quarter comeback from Small Hands Smith & Co. The victory wasn't without loss, though, as Green Bay will be without Al Harris and Aaron Kampman for the rest of the year with matching ACL tears. Mike McCarthy said they will look into cloning Charles Woodson for the next game since there isn’t anybody else in the Packers' secondary worth 2 shits.
Kansas City 27 Pittsburgh 24 (OT)
Matt Cassell made plays when he had to and the Steelers' D couldn't make stops when they had to, and somehow the Chiefs ended up winning the game. Ben Roethlisberger did his part, throwing for 398 yards and 3 TDs, but it was his 1 concussion suffered late that will be the biggest blow to the Steelers, who suddenly find themselves 6-4 and dropping back in the pack in the AFC.
Minnesota 35 Seattle 9
Brett Favre was surprisingly efficient, 22-25, and tossed 4 TDs to boot as the Vikings continued to roll. I'm not trying to besmirch what these guys are doing this year, but could they get an easier schedule? I could pick 10 guys out of my office and beat up on the Browns, Lions, Rams, and Seahawks. Right now the Vikings are looking like your typical small conference BCS buster. We just don't know how good they are yet since the only real "good" team they played, the Steelers, they lost to. Give me some games against Indy and New England before you convince me that the Vikes are Super Bowl contenders.
NY Giants 34 Atlanta 31 (OT)
Eli transformed from a floppy-armed girl back into an NFL quarterback this week, and it paid off as his 384 yards and 3 TDs helped the Giants regain their heartbeat in the NFC. Matty Light played more like Milwaukee's Best in the first half, but then helped bring the Falcons back with a very good 2nd half. It still wasn't enough and now Atlanta needs to step it up with their remaining schedule, which is chock full of home games, to stay in the playoff hunt.
New Orleans 38 Tampa Bay 7
Tampa Bay turned the ball over 4 times and against a good team like New Orleans, that isn't going to help you win, whether it's Josh Johnson, Josh Freeman, or Bobby Abreu playing QB. After a few weeks of lackluster performances, the Saints finally played up against week competition and never seemed to break a sweat as they improved to 10-0. Drew Brees had 3 TDs to pace the Saints attack.
Jacksonville 18 Buffalo 15
Did anybody else realize that the Jags are 6-4?? How the fuck did I not know this? If the playoffs started today, they would be one of the wild card teams. I guess that's what happens when you have 2 guys with kickass hyphenated last names and a decent QB who doesn't turn the ball over. And hey!!! A T.O. sighting!!! Holy shit on a stick, I thought that guy had died! Don't get excited though, because 9 catches for 197 yards and a TD now brings Owens' season totals to 12-216- and 1, or something close to that.
Indianapolis 17 Baltimore 15
Joe Flacco was inconsistent all day, but it was Ed Reed's "I'm Keith Hernandez" lateral attempt on a late-game interception that sealed the Ravens' fate. As much as I love Ed Reed, sometimes he makes you wonder what he's thinking about when he returns a pick or punt; he's always looking to lateral! Dude, this isn't Madden or backyard football. Hold onto the fucking thing and just go down! And I'm not even a Ravens fan, so imagine what they're all saying today. Peyton Manning had 299 yards and a touch, but it was his 2 picks that helped keep the game closer than it should have been.
Arizona 21 St. Louis 13
Kurt Warner got hurt (I know, I'm just as shocked as you are at that statement), but did enough before he left to help the Cards hold on for a 21-13 win and lock a Joe Stevenson-style guillotine chokehold on the NFC West division. Tim Hightower picked up the slack for Warner with 110 yards on just 14 carries, and Steven Jackson continued to be the best player on a bad team with 21 carries, 116 yards, and 1 TD.
San Diego 32 Denver 3
If no one else will call it, I will; the Broncos are done. Fucking done. Turn them over on that side and take them off the grill because they are D-O-N-E done. They turned the ball over 3 times and basically laid down to the Chargers, who got only pedestrian games from LT and Phillip Rivers. Legedu Naanee did have a 2-yard TD catch, which gives me an excuse to write Legedu Naanee in my column for the first time ever. Legedu Naanee, haha, that's a funny name.
Oakland 20 Cincinnati 17
Who knew that if you remove arguably the worst pound-for-pound player in the NFL from his spot at the most important position in the game it would give you a chance to win?? It's bonehead moves like leaving Jamarcus Russell in for 10 weeks that should have Tom Cable looking to slap himself around instead of his wife. Of course none of this would have happened if Cincy could have held onto the ball after a kickoff, but still, Bruce Gradkowski's 183 yards and 2 TDs at least make the Raiders close to respectable on offense. Larry Johnson had 2 carries and 5 yards in his Bengals debut, and in my opinion, looked pretty queer in his new uniform. Maybe all that gay-bashing was just him trying to cover up for something...
New England 31 NY Jets 14
It's been almost a full day since this game ended and I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck Mark Sanchez was doing out there yesterday. 8-21, 136 yards, 4 interceptions, 3 of which were of the absolute "Are You Fucking Kidding Me???"-variety, and a lost fumble are just not going to get it done against the Pats. I know the kid's a rookie, but holy fuck, that was bad. I don't even want to know what Rex Ryan did in the locker room after this game, but I know he had to be holding back more tears on the sideline because watching the Dirty One struggle that bad was making me a little bit misty. Wes Welker's 15-catch, 192-yard day probably didn't do anything to ease Rexie's pain either.
Philadelphia 24 Chicago 20
Donovan McNabb led the Eagles on a late 4th-quarter drive to take a lead they would hold onto for a much-needed win. More importantly, they did it with enough time left that Andy Reid couldn't fuck it up by mismanaging the game clock, making horrible challenges, or running out of timeouts. With Jay Cutler: Emo Quarterback at the helm, Devin Hester might want to be re-think his UnderArmour commercial and do a new one where he's being constantly overthrown on deep routes and tackled for 2-yard losses on poorly-set up WR screens.
MNF Prediction
Tennessee 31 Houston 27
I'm still not completely sold on Vince Young, as he hasn't shown he can overcome adversity yet, but with the way Chris Johnson is running right now, I don't see anybody stopping him, certainly not the Texans. Schaub and Co. will make things interesting, but Ryan Moats' and Steve Slaton's acute fumble-itis will come back to haunt Houston late in the game.
MNF Predictions for the Season (Winners): 8-3
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