Monday, October 12, 2009

AB4AR's Week 5 NFL Wrap-Up

Week 5 Recap

Cincinnati 17 Baltimore 14

Cincy's offense surprisingly dominated by racking up 413 yards and holding down Joe Flacco and what had been an explosive Ravens' offense as the Bengals vaulted to the top of the AFC North, knocking Baltimore down a few pegs in the process. Carson Palmer is suddenly the king of the 4th-quarter comeback drive for the Bengals who make the "Hard Knocks" curse look more and more obsolete each week. Any if anybody says they had the Bengals at 4-1 and atop the division after 5 weeks, they're fucking lying.

Carolina 20 Washington 17

Jake Delhomme actually completed more passes to his team than the opposition this week and Carolina's defense got the remedy it needed to get back on track by facing the bumbling Redskins and soon-to-be-official bust, Jason Campbell. Washington just never seems to stay consistent, even within games; every week they find a way to blow games they are leading and come back to win games they're losing.

Philadelphia 33 Tampa Bay 14

Donovan McNabb showed no rust in his return to the lineup (see how it's done, Tom Brady?) as the Eagles ransacked Tampa. Jeremy Maclin's 6 catches, 142 yards, and 2 TDs helped McNabb's cause. Kellen Winslow was given the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Purple Heart after the game for his soldier-like 9-catch, 102-yard, 2TD performance in defeat.

NY Giants 44 Oakland 7

Oakland is absolutely pathetic. They would lose by fewer points if they just forfeited each game at the beginning. Head Coach Tom Cable should probably think about threatening to kill himself rather than his assistants after the way his team has performed in the early season. It's not often you see an NFL game playing out like a USC-San Jose St. game (QB only playing the first half; RB gaining 110 yards and 2TDs on just 11 carries).

Minnesota 38 St. Louis 10

Turnovers actually killed the Rams in this game more than their usual suckiness did as they actually outgained Minnesota. Brett Favre is having more praise heaped on him after another solid performance, but let's be honest here; you could throw Terry Schiavo out there and she'd be putting up good numbers if she was playing against the Browns, Lions, Packers, and Rams in 4 out of her team's first 5 games.

Dallas 26 Kansas City 20 (OT)

Tony Romo discovered that if he throws the ball to Miles Austin (10 catches, 250 yards, 2 TDs) instead of the other team, his team stands a chance to win the game. It still doesn't say much about the Cowboys being contenders when it takes overtime to beat the lowly Chiefs though. Chiefs coach Todd Haley was so upset after the game that he took everyone's reserved parking spots away at the team facility, including his own.

Pittsburgh 28 Detroit 20

The Steelers finally manage to do something that they, and I, have struggled with all season, sealing the deal. The Lions were game behind backup QB Daunte Culpepper, but in the end the Steelers managed to hold on and get a much-needed win. Ben Roethlisberger, clearly inspired by his teaming up with D-Generation X earlier this week on WWE RAW, carved up the Lions' secondary to the tune of 300+ yards and 3 TDs.

Cleveland 6 Buffalo 3

I'm still trying to convince myself that this game didn't actually happen because the numbers are way scarier than anything you could experience at Halloween. Browns' QB Derek Anderson finished with a 2-17 day with 23 yards. Let that really sink in for a minute. They guy played 60 minutes of football and managed to complete 2 passes. AND HIS TEAM WON THE GAME!!!!!!!!!! What does that say about how bad Trent Edwards played??? For the sake of the league, Commissioner Goodell needs to mandate that all Browns and Bills games for the rest of the season be played out in simulation mode of Madden so that nobody has to experience something this awful again.

Seattle 41 Jacksonville 0

Matt Hasselbeck dominated the Jags' D in his return, making it a clean sweep for QBs coming back from broken ribs and possibly inspiring some other QBs to break their ribs just to help their teams win. More incredible than Seattle's offensive output was the revelation that their team actually does have a defense. I'm not kidding, they shut down Maurice Jones-Drew and everything. Who woulda thunk it?

Arizona 28 Houston 21

Arizona's defense pulled a Mariano Rivera and saved the win for their team with a late interception return for a touchdown and a goal line stand. Of course this was after they did their best Jonathan Papelbon impression and blew what was a 21-0 3rd quarter lead, but hey, what else did you expect from Arizona. This just in, Andre Johnson is good.

Atlanta 45 San Francisco 10

Matty Ice was back in business yesterday and he made the Flavor-of-the-Week 49ers look like a steaming helping of brussel sprouts with the help of his receivers and defense. The Matt Ryan-Roddy White combo is starting to look like the next Montana-Rice right now, which bodes well for the Falcons moving forward. '9er coach Mike Singletary, invoking memories of last season's pants-dropping incident, teabagged QB Shaun Hill in the locker room after the loss to show his players that this type of performance was not acceptable.

Denver 20 New England 17 (OT)

Champ Bailey proved once again that he is still the best cover corner in the league, even at age 73, with his shutdown of Randy Moss yesterday. The Pats continue to be an enigma as the offense can't decide when it wants to execute and score and the defense can't decide when it's going to shut opponents down or give up huge chunks of yardage and extended drives with the game on the line. On the positive side for Coach Belichick, at least one of the branches on his coaching tree finally seems to have sprouted fruit.

Indianapolis 31 Tennessee 9

SuperManning puts on another embarrassingly good performance for the 5-0 Colts and the Titans put on another embarrassingly bad defensive performance as they drop to 0-5. Since they clearly have shown they aren't willing to hand the keys back over to Vince Young, they have to be content knowing their awful play gives them a good shot at Sam Bradford in the 2010 draft. But still, the Titans' offense is so bad right now that they're...(don't say it)...even...(fight it, fight it)...deader...(bite your tongue)...than...(come on, that's a low blow)...Steve McNair. There, I said it. 2 Steve McNair death jokes in a row. How do ya like them apples?

MNF Prediction

NY Jets 27 Miami 13

Rex Ryan is going to have his defense ready to play on the team's first Monday night appearance this year, especially coming off a loss. Miami has to be hoping the Jets won't mind if they put Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, Ted Ginn, Chad Henne, and Dan Marino in the backfield all at once to try to score some points. Braylon Edwards got acquainted with his new teammates by punching them all in the face at a team dinner Friday night.

MNF Predictions for the season (Winners): 4-1

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