Fuck The Metrodome

YAYYYYYYY!!!!  We just wasted our entire bullpen for the opportunity to get our testicles handed to us in a Yankees batting helmet ice cream bowl.  I'm so excited!!!!

I hope you fuckers get a good night's sleep on the plane.  Here's a little lullaby for you...



 See you tomorrow at 6 for the live blog.

Yankees Giving Twins or Tigers A Fair Chance By Catching Molina in Game 2

Jorge Posada just revealed that Joe Girardi told him on Sunday that Jose Molina will catch A.J. Burnett in this series.

“I just hope we win that game,” Posada said. “That’s all I’ve got to say.”

He added, “It’s not like I didn’t see it coming.”

When asked if he might be the DH when Molina catches, Posada said he wasn’t sure but that, “Matsui is our DH.” (story courtesy of the LoHud Yankee blog)



I fucking love it.  The Yankees are chilling out right now, having a team dinner or all enjoying banging their hot wives and girlfriends while the Tigers and Twins battle it out for the right to fly into New York late tonight for the massacre to be and the Yankees are already taking it easy on them by subbing Molina in for Jorge in Game 2. 

It's almost like the Yankees are taking pity on whichever team wins tonight and saying "hey listen, guys, real good effort out there tonight.  It's cute that you tried so hard and fought to the end just so you could come here and get your shit pushed in.  Tell ya what, we'll sit Jorge for Game 2 so A.J. can have his security blanket behind the plate and absolutely tear through your lineup for 7 innings, but at least you'll be able to guarantee there's somebody in our lineup that you'll be able to get out.  How's that sound?"

It doesn't take a Rhode's Scholar to realize that Jorge is pretty pissed about being taken out of the lineup for Lumpy Molina, but it's only because he wants to sweep the opening round so everybody can rest up for the ALCS.  Jorge knows with him in the lineup it won't really matter how good or bad A.J. pitches because the Yankees will pick him up by scoring 1,574 runs.  But the Yankee higher-ups have spoken and they've decided they want to give their opponents a little glimmer of hope and Jorge just has to deal with it.

The Yankees' gamesmanship over the last couple weeks has been amazing.  I wouldn't be shocked if Jeter steps into the batter's box in Game 1 batting lefty just to fuck with the Tigers or Twins even more.  And after A.J. wipes the floor with whoever they play in Game 2, he should go over and smash a whipped cream-filled towel into the opposing manager's face.

Down, Jorge, down!!  You'll get your chance to stab hearts and bitchslap babies in Game 3.

AB4AR's Week 4 NFL Wrap-Up

Week 4 Recap

Chicago 48 Detroit 24

Matt Forte finally got going to the tune of 121 rushing yards and a TD and Jay Cutler earned more fans in both the stands and in the locker room with his gutsy, Elway-esque leap into the end zone on a first quarter TD run. Of course, in true Jay Cutler fashion, he called his leap better than Elway's famous Super Bowl play. The good news for Matt Stafford is that he might miss next week's game with a knee injury suffered late in the game. Yes, you read that right, I said "good news" because let's face it, being injured is way better than playing for the Lions.

Cincinnati 23 Cleveland 20

Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco did just enough to win in a game that was closer than it should have been and Rich Gannon provided some evidence that ex-players with former head and neck injuries shouldn't be allowed to commentate as he pulled a Donovan McNabb in OT and forgot the NFL rules. Cleveland exploded for 2, count them 2!!, offensive touchdowns behind Horse Balls Anderson. On the negative side, Cleveland's rookie WR, Mohamed Massaquoi's 8-catch, 148 yard performance earned him a spot on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list because let's face it, every guy named Mohamed is a terrorist.

Indianapolis 34 Seattle 17

Peyton Manning put on another masterful performance, throwing for 350+ yards and 2TDs as the patchwork Colts marched on to 4-0. Manning's play was so outstanding that the US government signed a bill that will replace the image of George Washington leading his troops across the Delaware River to one of Manning. The Colts' fast start to this season compared to last season's bumbling beginning raises the question of whether or not God's Servant, Tony Dungy, was overrated as a football coach. Maybe, just maybe, being a "good Christian" has nothing to do with success in sports.

NY Giants 27 Kansas City 16

New York's version of Steve Smith seems to be just as good, if not better, than his Carolina counterpart as he put up 11 catches for 134 yards and 2 TDs in yesterday's win, and did it all without punching any teammates in the face or puking into at garbage can on the sideline. New York received a scare when Eli Manning injured his heel late in the game, but team officials said after they put a Power Rangers Band-Aid on it in the locker room and gave Eli a Capri Sun to drink while he watched "Go Diego, Go!" he felt all better.

New England 27 Baltimore 21

Tom Brady looked much improved against the blitz this week as New England re-staked their claim as the best team in the AFC. With the combination of his offensive line and the officials protecting him, Brady executed clutch drives to keep New England out front against a game Baltimore team. Despite being vocal in his criticism of the 2 roughing the passer calls against his team that kept drives alive, Ray Lewis stopped short of saying those calls murdered Baltimore's chances to win.

Washington 16 Tampa Bay 13

After a horrific 1st half performance that had Terry Bradshaw calling for his being benched, Jason Campbell rebounded in the 2nd half to lead the Redskins to a victory that they desperately needed, and he and coach, Jim Zorn, desperately needed to keep their jobs. Tampa backup QB Josh Johnson wasn't horrible, which by Tampa QB standards means he was the best QB of all-time, but still not good enough to win.

Jacksonville 37 Tennessee 17

The power of the new unis is growing stronger as Jacksonville thoroughly dominated Tennessee yesterday behind 323 passing yards and 3 TDs from David Garrard. Can everybody just stop talking about Tennessee being the best 0-3 team ever now and just call them what they are? They're a shitty football team, plain and simple. They're undisciplined defensively and give up way too many big plays and their passing game is so awful right now, they are actually thinking about digging up Steve McNair to start next week.

What? Too soon?

Houston 29 Oakland 6

If Houston could play Oakland every week they might finally be able to live up to the hype they've had for the last 3 seasons. A bright spot for Oakland, though, was that Jamarcus Russell finally completed more than 10 passes in a game. Yeah, he still threw almost twice as many incompletions as completions, but hey, you gotta start somewhere. Head Coach Tom Cable could be arrested this week for punching one of his assistants in the face earlier this year, but with the way things are going in Oakland, playing without a head coach could be the change of pace they need.

Miami 38 Buffalo 10

In a brilliant strategic decision, Buffalo decided to play straight up defense against first-time starter, Chad Henne, and dare Miami to beat them with the run. The Dolphins were more than happy to oblige as they racked up 250 rushing yards on the way to a 38-10 throttling of the Bills. Buffalo sucks so bad that Toronto doesn't even want them to play games there anymore and T.O. is reportedly considering trying to not kill himself again.

New Orleans 24 NY Jets 10

After 3 weeks of victories overshadowing his marginal play, Mark Sanchez got knocked down a peg yesterday as his 3-INT performance helped doom the Jets against the Saints. New Orleans' defense matched the stellar play of the Jets and showed that they are more than up to the task of sticking with Drew Brees and the high-powered offense. If only the dams and barriers around New Orleans could have been as strong as the Saints' D back when Katrina hit, then maybe things wouldn't have turned out so bad.

Denver 17 Dallas 10

"There aren't many quarterbacks in the league who can make that throw," gushed Troy Aikman as Tony Romo completed a difficult pass in the 3rd quarter. That's true, Troy, but there are also a lot of quarterbacks who can complete the simple passes to wide open receivers that Romo botched time and time again yesterday, so pull Tony's sack out of your mouth and shut the fuck up. Dallas is clearly well on their way to another 9-7 season while Denver might be legit at 4-0 behind their surprisingly good defense. It also helps that Kyle Orton has thrown 5 TDs and 0 picks so far this year.

San Francisco 35 St. Louis 0

San Fran's defense outscored the Rams' offense yesterday, 14-0 in a game that bordered on unwatchable. LB Patrick Willis was a monster for the 49ers, as he tallied 8 tackles, 2.5 sacks, and 1 interception that was returned for a touchdown. Things are so bad in St. Louis that the Rams put a call in to Tony LaRussa to see if Albert Pujols was available to play tight end next week, and Steve Spagnuolo put in a call to Plaxico Burress asking if Plax could come shoot him.

Pittsburgh 38 San Diego 28

I know the pink ribbons and arm bands and cleats were for breast cancer awareness, or breast awareness as Chris Berman put it on "Sunday NFL Countdown" (and honestly, what's the difference anyway?),



but they might as well have signified how soft the Chargers defense is as they got pushed around all day by the not-so-dominating Steelers' offensive line. LaDainian Tomlinson now officially has one foot in his NFL grave after a 7-carry, 15 yard performance that culminated with him being on the sidelines at crunch time again. No word on whether or not LT sprained his ankle stepping into the grave.

MNF Prediction

Green Bay 28 Minnesota 26

Apparently tonight is the night that Brett Favre returns to face his former team for the first time. I wasn't aware of this since media outlets like ESPN never seem to cover or mention Brett Favre at all, but people around the office have been talking about this morning and I'm going to take them at their word. Green Bay's corners should match up well with Minnesota's thin WR corps, and something inside me (mostly my being a Packer's fan) tells me the Pack will find a way to pull this one out.


MNF Predictions for the season (Winners): 4-0

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid

After the obvious lay down the Yankees did yesterday, they came back today and reminded everybody why they're the best team in baseball.

-A.J. bearing down after a shaky first inning and delivering a quality start that almost certainly would have gone through the 6th if the Yankees weren't determined to get Robertson and Joba work today?  Check.

-A-Rod leading the Yankee offensive resurgence and reminding everybody exactly how they put up the numbers they did this year, getting himself to the 100-RBI plateau in the process?  Check.

-A dominant performance from the bullpen aces that provided a frightening sneak preview to what the playoffs will look like to the tune of 4IP, 0H, 0R, 0BB, 4Ks on 50 pitches, 35 of which were strikes?  Double check.

Pitching wins in the postseason and pitching has been what's killed the Yankees in their last 4 postseason appearances.  Today was a dress rehearsal for what the playoffs will look like with the scary depth of the Yankee pen.  Robertson, Coke, Hughes, and Rivera were at their collective best and Joba looked far more comfortable coming out of the bullpen in the 7th inning today than he has starting the game on the mound in the 1st inning all season.  And you want to know the really scary part for the rest of the so-called "competition?"  Aceves and Marte didn't even pitch today.

The Yankees can almost shorten the game to 5 innings with the strength of their pen right now.  Logic would dictate that their starters, at least CC, will give them more than that in the opening round, which means with the extra rest provided by their opening round schedule it will pretty much be all hands on deck every game of the Division Series and the first couple games of the ALCS.

As far as who pitches games 2 and 3, I think the choice is obvious: Burnett.  He's the better pitcher at home and Andy is the better pitcher on the road, and Burnett has pitched better than the suddenly tired-looking Pettitte over the last 4 starts.  You go CC-A.J. 1-2 and then hope the extra day or 2 of rest allows Andy to rediscover his velocity and command enough to finish the series off clean.  Not that it matters, considering Detroit and Minnesota have had to play balls out the last week and a half to just get to Tuesday where they have to play a one-game playoff.  Whichever team survives is going to stumble into Yankee Stadium tired, beaten up, and in no condition to take on the well-rested, well-stocked juggernaut that is the 2009 New York Yankees, but since the Yankees have to win 3 games, the conversation over who starts which game is still slightly relevant.  The smart thing to do would be to cancel that Division Series and just let the Yankees rest up for the ALCS.

Everything is coming up pinstripes as the season winds to a close, so it only makes sense to hit the fucking music...

CC Is an Evil Genius

And the Academy Award for Best Performance by an actor in a leading role goes to...

CC Sabathia!!!

I love what CC did last night, absolutely love it.  The guy has been cruising along for the better part of 3 months, leading the Yankees' charge back to the top of baseball and now in his last start of the season, what does he do?  He goes out and lays down to Tampa, walking guys, giving up hits, and looking convincingly pissed off about it in the process.  Brilliant!  Fucking brilliant!

Now everybody on ESPN and Red Sox Nation can spend the next week talking about how ineffective he was, and bring up his past postseason failures, of course neglecting to mention that in the only 2 other postseasons he's participated in, CC has been pitching to the last day of the season, throwing on 3 days rest multiple outings in a row just to get his club in and then having to go out and pitch with a wet noodle for an arm when it really mattered.  This year he has the luxury of kicking back and following his normal routine and normal rest pattern and then going out in Game 1 and knocking dicks in the dirt left and right.

It was decided before the game last night that he was only going to pitch 5 innings anyway, so CC did the smart thing when he realized he didn't have his A-level stuff last night: he blew the game up, opening the door for all the talk and creating a false sense of hope for Detroit, Minnesota, Anaheim, and Boston as the playoffs begin. 

Why risk getting hurt in a game that doesn't matter?  Anybody who thinks CC has a legit shot at beating out Zack Greinke for the Cy Young is out of their mind and CC knows this.  He's already won the Cy Young before but he's got his eyes on the bigger prize now, a World Series Championship ring.  Now that the regular season is over, he can spend the time before his Game 1 start not worrying about impressing voters or willing enough strength out of his arm to get his team one more win, but focusing on his two potential opponents and getting his rest.  And in the process, he gift-wrapped the Cy Young for Zack Greinke and even gave Tampa's No. 1 pick bust David Price a little confidence for himself.  With as much good as he did other players and teams in addition to his own last night, CC should be given a Congessional Medal of Merit.

What a guy!

Ted Williams' Head Getting The Shit Kicked Out of It in AZ

NEW YORK -- The New York Daily News is reporting that Red Sox Hall of Famer Ted Williams' severed head was mistreated at an Arizona cryonics facility, according to details from a new book.

In "Frozen," Larry Johnson, a former executive at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz., writes that Williams' head, which had been severed and frozen for storage, was abused at the facility. Johnson claims a technician took baseball-like swings at Williams' frozen head with a monkey wrench.

Williams, the last player to hit over .400 in a season, died in July 2002 at age 83; his remains were sent to Alcor for cryogenic storage in the hope that future generations would develop the technology to revive him.

According to the Daily News, Johnson wrote the book while in hiding after becoming a whistle-blower in 2003. He held the title of chief operating officer of Alcor for eight months, the newspaper said. He is scheduled for a Tuesday appearance on the ABC news show "Nightline."

Johnson told the Daily News he wired himself during his last three months of employment at Alcor and stole internal records. The book also includes photos of severed heads and procedures performed on bodies.  (story courtesy of ESPN.com)



Just one more reason why the Red Sox will always be the ugly step sister to the Yankees' Cinderella. This is hands down the funniest thing I've read all week.

First off, it's funny enough that Williams was cryogenically frozen to begin with. I want to let it be known right now that if my future kids ever fight about what to do with my remains, I am going to come back from the grave and haunt their fucking asses until the end of time. That being said, it's not a surprise that something this ridiculous would happen to Ted Williams. Every historical account of him documents that he was a notorious fucking asshole and asshole parents are guaranteed to produce asshole kids, it's science. Naturally his asshole kids are going to disgrace his memory and legend by playing tug-of-war with his head. At least the man won that battle (score one more for the dudes), but in the process he makes his old man, and himself, look like even bigger douches than they already were. That post-death douche-ness combined with his previous life asshole-ism makes Williams a perfect candidate for a few dozen post-mortem whacks over the frozen melon. Add to that recipe the fact that he used to play for the Red Sox and it’s a miracle that the lab techs at Alcor didn’t pop his eyeballs out of his frozen head and piss inside his cranial cavity.

Something like this would never happen to Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe D, or Derek Jeter. Yankee legends are just better than Red Sox legends. In addition to being considered amongst the greatest players of all time, they are all widely recognized as being some combination of extremely likeable, charitable, professional, or in the case of The Babe, a fat, drunk, womanizer. Either way, their association with the Yankees makes them untouchable in terms of being fucked with. If any corny lab tech ever tried to take Gehrig or Jeter's head deep, he would be branded a scumbag for the rest of his days and more than likely deported from the United States. That is, if anybody from the Yankee organization was dumb enough to let their scumbag son have their remains cryogenically frozen, which they wouldn’t because it just isn’t the Yankee Way.

Fucking with the Yankees is like fucking with America; you try it and you're going to end up beaten and bloody crying in the corner with a broomstick shoved up your ass. Fucking with the Red Sox is like fucking with Helen Keller; it's easy, it's fun, and it's something that everybody outside of Boston knows, either secretly or not so secretly, that they would do if given the chance.

The guy at Alcor who decided to take some BP off of Teddy Ballgame's head was just doing what any good American would do. Whatever his badge or company ID number is should be immediately retired by the Yankees and put up on the wall at Monument Park next to Ruth and Dimaggio.

This incident is a perfect metaphor for how the Yankees-Red Sox ALCS match up will likely play out if Boston can make it that far; the Yankees will be the lab techs beating upon Boston’s lifeless heads and Boston will be the frozen old bitches sitting there taking it. You just can’t draw it up any better than that.

Someone Get The Paddles, We're Losing Him!!!

Beep, beep, beep, beep...beep...beep...beep......beep......beep......beep.........beep.........beep.........beep..................beep............................beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

He's gone.

Throw The Damn Towel!!!

I've tried to play the calm, "don't get too cocky" card for the last couple weeks, but enough is enough.  The Yankees are hands down the best team in baseball and if the Red Sox and Angels had any self respect, they would just quit now and not even accept their playoff births.  They'e Apollo Creed to the Yankees' Drago and it's pretty much a foregone conclusion after the last 2 series that the Yankees are going to kill them in the ring when they meet either of them in the playoffs.

Case in point, last night.  The Yankees throw the benchwarmers from their JV team out there and still deliver a woodshed beating to Kansas City.   Ramiro Pena is cranking home runs, Shelley Duncan is getting clutch go-ahead base hits, Robinson Cano, arguably the most unclutch player on the Yankees, is jack game-sealing grand slams, and Chad Gaudin, who the Yanks picked up for a rosin bag and a bag of wet dog shit, tosses 6+ more innings of good ball.

Then tonight A.J. tosses his third straight good start and our old buddy, Kyle Farnsworth, gift wraps the game in the bottom of the ninth.  Even when it's clear as Brita filter water that they aren't even trying to, the Yankees still fucking win.

Meanwhile the Red Sox get their shit pushed in by Toronto with their regulars in the lineup behind the batting practice stuff of Michael Bowden (is it any wonder why Toronto turned down all of Boston's offers for Roy Halladay that included this kid?  He fucking sucks!)  Then tonight Clay Buchholz wakes up and remembers that he actually IS Clay Buchholz and tries to one-up Bowden by turning Fenway Park into a launching pad.  No doubt the kid is scared to death after watching the mauling his team took at the hands of the Evil Empire this past weekend, knowing that he was spared this time but won't be so lucky in the playoffs.  I wouldn't be shocked if Buchholz turns up with a strained shoulder or some other phantom injury tomorrow morning that conveniently keeps him out for the playoffs.

Clearly the body shots the Yanks have been laying on Boston over the last 3 head-to-head matchups has left them gasping for air and now it's just a matter of time before the Yanks move in for the kill and lay the Sox out for the count.

And as for Anaheim, they pretty much dug their own grave last night by spending a portion of their postgame locker room celebration drowning Nick Adenhart's jersey in beer.  Ummmmm guys, HE WAS KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER!!!!!  The Angels would have been better served walking up to his mother in the stands and taking turns slapping her across the face.  Good luck winning anything with Nick's ghost haunting your dugout and causing grounders to skip underneath your gloves, fuckfaces.  I don't know much about the afterlife, but I can guaran-damn-tee that Nick Adenhart will be wearing a Yankees jersey and cheering for a team that knows how to celebrate properly if these 2 match up in the ALCS.

CC is rolling his fat ass right into Cy Young Station, A-Rod is on his way to a 100-RBI season playing on one good hip, Teix could win the AL HR and RBI crowns and then top that off with a Gold Glove and an MVP to boot.  Jeter rocks, Jorge is a beast, the bullpen is stacked, and the list goes on and on.  In all honesty it's almost getting boring going over this shit.

I know the rules state that 4 teams compete in the playoffs, but if the competition is going to be this one-sided, why waste time?  Let's just skip to the World Series right now so the Yanks can spank whichever Quadruple-A team is unfortunate enough to advance to face them and play it now while the weather is still have decent, that way the fans won't risk getting colds or the flu watching the inevitable take place.

I know technically Boston and Anaheim has to show up and play, but fair warning has been given.  If you don't want to end up like this...



...then just forfeit now.

AB4AR's Week 3 NFL Wrap-Up

Week 3 Recap

Jacksonville 31 Houston 24

Maurice Jones-Drew, clearly inspired by my poking fun at the new Jaguars' uniforms, ran wild on the Texans yesterday to the tune of 119 yards and 3 TDs as Jacksonville finally got off the schnide and proved just how valuable those new jerseys are. For the third straight year, Houston looks destined to underachieve after being anointed the next team to "make the leap." Maybe they should think about changing their uniforms because clearly the ones they have now are holding them back.

Baltimore 34 Cleveland 3

After another thorough ass pounding, it was announced by the NFL that Cleveland head coach Eric Mangini can no longer be referenced as being a part of Bill Belichick's coaching tree. The Brady Quinn experiment seems over after he was pulled for Derek Anderson, but with Anderson tossing 3 picks in relief as the team put up a lackluster 186 yards of total offense, it's anybody's guess as to who will start for the Browns next week. This is the 2nd game in a row that they failed to score a TD, which gives them a grand total of 1 in their last 9 games dating back to last year. After setting the bar this low, anything next week would be considered an improvement.

NY Giants 24 Tampa Bay 0

Raheem Morris took time out of his post-game press conference yesterday to call Eric Mangini and ask if they could help each other update their resumes as his Bucs continued their trip back in time to the glory days of Tampa in the 70s and 80s. The Giants running attack came out of hiding to the tune of 196 combined yards by Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. While it might not help them make the playoffs, I for one would be impressed to find out that Tampa is actually playing this bad because they're all going as the 1979 Bucs for Halloween.

Philadelphia 34 Kansas City 14

Larry Johnson tightened his grip on the lead for this year's "Shaun Alexander Former Top-5 Running Back Who Has Clearly Lost It" Award with a 19-carry, 38-yard clunker in the Chiefs' loss to Philadelphia. The Eagles didn't miss a beat without Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook as Kevin Kolb and rookie RB LeSean McCoy continued to impress. Mike Vick's debut was hardly worth mentioning, but hey, at least he didn't flick off the fans, get arrested for marijuana possession, or murder any dogs in the process.

NY Jets 24 Tennessee 17

Mark Sanchez turns in another solid performance and the Jets are now 3-0. At the rate he's going, Sanchez will achieve Joe Namath-like status in New York some time around Week 7. He's certainly already reached that status with the ladies of NYC and probably has the VD to prove it. With the loss, Tennessee now falls to 0-3 and is already all but eliminated from the playoffs with the Colts sitting at 3-0, although I think they should be concerned with the fact that the throwbacks their staff was wearing yesterday made them look more like 5-year-olds getting ready for bed in their daddy's t-shirt than NFL coaches.

New England 26 Atlanta 10

A week after everyone was ready to hit the panic button, New England rebounded to upend one of the top teams in the NFC. Who knew that all their problems could be fixed by re-establishing the running game, protecting their quarterback, and playing a little defense? It's that kind of advanced football knowledge that makes Bill Belichick the genius that he is. Sure Brady looked rustier than the Titanic, but if the Pats can continue to win with this formula that should give him ample time to get back to hitting on all cylinders.

Minnesota 27 San Francisco 24

Nothing snappy or sarcastic to say about Favre this week; the guy showed that he's still got a little wick left in the candle as he pulled a win out of his old ass for the Vikes on his last-second heave to Greg Lewis. What made the performance even more vintage was the underwhelming performance leading up to it and the pedestrian 52% completion percentage for the game. I've watched Favre win enough early-season games that don't matter to know it's only a matter of time before those prayer passes start falling into the arms of opposing players.

Green Bay 36 St. Louis 17

Green Bay rediscovers their defense and Aaron Rodgers puts up Madden football numbers (269 yards and 2TDs on just 13 completions) to lead Green Bay to a much-needed victory over the St. Louis Ewes. Kyle Boller's less-than-terrible job replacing the injured Mark Bulger may lead to a "crappy quarterback controversy" in St. Louis as they decide which guy they want leading them to a 2-14 finish this year.

Detroit 19 Washington 14

Despite playing fairly well in helping his team break a 19-game losing streak, Matt Stafford already seems destined to play bridesmaid to Mark Sanchez's bride in the QB Class of 2009. That being said, congrats to the Lions on getting their first win in years and condolences to Jim Zorn for being the first coach fired this year. Seriously, that's not even a joke; I'm pretty sure all coaches have the "losing to the Lions is grounds for immediate termination of said contract" clause written into their contracts. Things are so bad in D.C. right now that Clinton Portis is planning on wearing a paper bag over his head for his costume this week.

Denver 23 Oakland 3

Jamarcus Russell continues to put up comically bad numbers for the even more comically bad Raiders. I think I threw for more yards in my Pee Wee football career than he has in his NFL career. Somehow the Broncos keep winning despite having a below-average offense. But Brandon Marshall did show up this week and score a touchdown, providing some light for the passing game, and he managed to do so without punching or strangling his fiancée.

Cincinnati 23 Pittsburgh 20

The Super Bowl hangover has officially hit the Steelers and it's more contagious than swine flu right now. Some players were seen wearing surgical masks as they left the locker room after yesterday's heart-breaking loss. After trying to establish their long-lost running game 2 weeks in a row and losing, the Steelers might be better off just scrapping the run game altogether and keeping Rashard Mendenhall as the only back on the roster to block for Roethlisberger in blitz situations.

New Orleans 27 Buffalo 7

Pierre Thomas seemed to forget what team he played for yesterday as he gashed Buffalo for 100+ yards and 2TDs but denied Drew Brees the chance to shred Buffalo's secondary in the process. After a dismal 16-29, 172 yard, 0TD performance, Brees was left to shake his head and wonder what went wrong. The question for New Orleans now has to be how long will they let Brees keep his spot as the starting QB if he continues to put up unimpressive numbers like this in dominating wins? How long do they let it go before they make a change? 4-0? 5-0? 7-0?? Only time will tell.

San Diego 23 Miami 13

On the bad side, Miami is starting to realize that they can't win games solely with the Wildcat offense. On the worse side, they have been exposed as not having any talent at the WR position, something that usually helps teams score more points. On the worst side, they found out that 2 Chads aren't necessarily better than one as Henne was putrid in replacing the injured Pennington. It might be time to go back to drawing board and find a way to get 2 balls and a 3rd running back into the offense.

Chicago 25 Seattle 19

Jay Cutler's 2nd straight comeback win-leading performance has almost completely erased memories of his Week 1 bed-shitting incident against Green Bay. In fact, he played so well yesterday that his Mommy and Daddy bought him front row tickets to the next Dashboard Confessional concert as a present. TJ Houshmandzadeh's week of trash talking and 4 quarters of 4-catch, 35-yard football got him a heaping helping of crow to eat after the game, prepared any way he wanted by Lance Briggs.

Indianapolis 31 Arizona 10

Peyton Manning is the best quarterback in the NFL, point, game, match, end of story. To do what he's doing with a group of wide receivers so unknown that you can't even sign them as free agents in Madden is beyond belief, even more so when you see that he's still getting Dallas Clark and Reggie Wayne enough balls for them to put up Pro Bowl numbers. Arizona's offensive line will spend the next week working on learning how to block against an inside spin move and a swim move after Indy's defensive ends put on a clinic against them last night.


MNF Prediction

Dallas 27 Carolina 23

In a game matching up 2 teams who have fantastic 1-2 RB tag teams, marginal WR depth, and inconsistent defenses, this game will obviously come down to quarterback play. And when those 2 QBs are Tony Romo and Jake Delhomme, it basically comes down to which quarterback will suck less. Whichever one of those 2 can play less poorly than the other will find his team on the winning side. Given the score I picked, I'm betting Romo will find a way to do just less than Delhomme to lose the game for his team, who will find a way to eek out a win despite Romo's worst efforts.


MNF Predictions for the season (winners): 3-0

MNF Predictions for the season (being even remotely close to getting the score right): 1-2

5 Reasons Why This Weekend's Series Was Important/ 5 Things This Weekend's Series Revealed

1) It Puts the Yankees back into a higher-pressure situation than what they've been playing under the last month.

This weekend was the first meaningful series the Yanks would have played in over a month and I would have to say they responded well.  Their biggest bugaboo over the last 5 seasons has been clutch hitting and getting clutch outs and those 2 departments were the 2 they dominated this weekend.

In this series they were 9-40 as a team with runners in scoring position, a .225 average.  is that great?  No, it's hardly even good, but most of the failures came in a 1-15 performance on Saturday, a game in which if they come through in a couple of those situations, they win the game going away.  Against Jon Lester and company on Friday, the Yanks were 7-21, and even though they only got 2 more hits with RISP for the remainder of the series, those 2 hits were Johnny Damon's 2-run, game-clinching single in the bottom of the 8th on Saturday off of Billy Wagner and Hideki Matsui's 2-run, go-ahead single in the bottom of the 7th today off of Takashi Saito.

The Sox, by comparison, were 3-17 with RISP this weekend, a .176 clip.  They not only did not give themselves nearly as many chances as the Yankees did, but didn't come through on the chances they did have, a testimate to the Yanks' fantastic pitching all weekend from the starters and relievers.

2) It represents Joba's last chance to prove he has value as a postseason pitcher.

BUMP, bump.........BUMP,bump......(wait, what's that?)...BUMP,bump......(charge him again)...BUMP,bump...BUMP,bump...(I've got a pulse)...BUMP,bump...BUMP,bump...BUMP,bump....

Joba took himself off of life support on Friday night and may have gone from postseason afterthought to guaranteed spot as a 4th starter in the ALDS.

His line wasn't all that great overall: 6IP, 5H, 1BB, 3ER, 5K, but considering what he had been doing lately, and considering he walked 7 in 2 innings last Sunday, this was Cy Young-caliber for Joba.

He had great command of all his pitches, good zip on his fastball, and pounded the strike zone with everything he had.  Most importantly, he worked quickly.  After each pitch he was right back on the rubber, ready to throw the next one.  There was very little shaking off of Posada and very little stalling, even when he got runners on.  He obviously tired in the 5th and 6th innings, but still showed some testicular fortitude in battling out of trouble, something he had seemed incapable of doing lately.

Are there still some questions and potential worries about Joba going out there in a Game 4, must-win situation?  Sure there are, and rightfully so.  But he looked a lot more like the Joba of June and July than the Joba of August-September, and that's the Joba the Yankees need to win.

3) It will show if Andy Pettitte's shoulder can be counted on for the rest of the season and the playoffs.

Much like his start on Monday, Andy got off to a slow start today and things did not look good.  In the first 2 innings he looked like he had nothing and knew it.  But once he got warm Andy was on point again, and if word comes back tomorrow that he had no pain in his shoulder than it should be full-speed ahead for the rest of the season.

It certainly seems like there is some fatigue and Andy has to use the first couple innings to get the kinks worked out, but if he can give the Yankees 6 innings of 3 runs-or-less ball, that's going to be more than enough to win.

The question should now become not "Can Andy pitch?" but "What game does Andy pitch?  Game 2 or Game 3?"  As much as Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips thought he should go 2, I would still give that start to A.J. and keep the lefty, righty, lefty change to force the Tigers or Twins to alter their lineups each game and not let their batters got locked in.

4) It will be a good indicator of which team's bullpen has what it takes to get the job done when it matters.

This question, more than any other, was a no-doubt answer in favor of the Yankees.  For the weekend, the pitchers in the Boston pen who would be used in the postseason put up this line:

5.2IP, 6H, 6BB, 4R, 2ER, 4K, which equates out to a 3.18 ERA and a horrendous 2.12 WHIP.

Mind you, this was just the guys who would make the postseason roster.  If you factor in Yankee whipping boys Hunter Jones and Michael Bowden, the numbers are even worse.  The Yankees bullpen stats by their key guys, by comparison, were:

7.2IP, 3H, 1BB, 0R, 8K, for a .52 WHIP and a perfect 0.00 ERA.

Those numbers are factoring out J-Alba's stats, but even with those included the Yanks were light years better than Boston in the pen this weekend.  Christ, they got 1.2 perfect innings from Brian Bruney today, which could have breathed a little life into his postseason status.

Combining these stats with point 1, though, is where the story is really told.  Sure both of the runs off of Billy Wagner yesterday were unearned, but he was in the game to prevent ANY runs from scoring.  The job of the big-time bullpen guys is to be stoppers, and pick up your starters and defense for their mistakes and Billy Wagner flat-out didn't get the job done.  Takashi Saito was exactly the same today; he came into the game with a .189 BAA by left-handed hitters and he gave up the eventual game-winning hit to Matsui, failing to pick up his teammate, Paul Byrd, who gave the Sox way more than they were hoping for today, in the process.

Save for Albaladejo, when the Yankees' bullpen pitchers were on the mound this weekend, there was never any doubt they were going to get the job done.  They pitched with confidence, got ahead in the count, and made clutch pitches when they had to.  Heading into the postseason, the Yanks' pen has to be considered a weapon at this point.

5) It will show where the national media's allegiance lies: still with Fraud Sox Nation or back over to the Dark Side now that the Yankees are viewed as the favorites.

I wrote the other night about how much I enjoyed Chip Caray and Buck Martinez's calling of Friday night's game, and although I can't say the same for the ESPN trio today, they ended up being not as bad as I was anticipating.

Sure Steve Phillips is still a blatant Red Sox apologist, and Jon Miller rattled off the Red Sox starting lineup like he was reading off a list of first-ballot Hall of Famers, but all in all, they were relatively even and unbiased with how the called the game.  It was clear as day to anyone watching that they weren't happy to be calling the game even and giving the Yankees their fair share of praise, but at least they did it, which is a sign that maybe the over-the-top Red Sox ball sucking by ESPN is coming to an end.  People are starting to get on board and acknowledge that the Evil Empire is back in charge and they are powerless to stop it.

Now if only somebody could pass that memo on to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver since we all have to suffer through them for the majority of the playoffs, and not Miller, Morgan, and Phillips.

CHAMPIONS!!!

Suck it, Boston.  See you in the ALCS, if you even make it.

2 hills down, 3 more to climb...

Y-A-N-K-E-E-S, bitches!!!!

2 Down, 1 To Go

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  I love how even after today, Red Sox fans are still going to be talking about the last 4 years, and "we beat you in 2004, 3-0 comeback" and blah, blah, blah.  The mating call of the loser, desperate fan is referring to the past and that mating call is coming loud and clear from Boston after today.  I almost wish I was back home on the East Coast so I could soak it all in.

The fact of the matter is that this Yankee team is flat-out better than the Red Sox.  Their lineup is better, their pitching is better, their bullpen is better, they are better.  This team has the chemistry that has been lacking the last few years, and more importantly, the drive and determination to win and to not be fucked with that the teams of the late 90s had by the buttload.  Any Red Sox player or fan who thinks they are going to squeak by in the playoffs based on past history is only fooling themselves.

Dice-Gay tries to be a tough guy today and hit Jeter?  That's fine, CC hits Youk.  Boston wants to get cute later in the game and hit Melky?  Mo comes out and drills Youk again in the 9th on the 8th pitch of an at bat.  Last year's team would have sat back and let Jeter and Melky get hit without so much as buzzing anybody on Boston's tower (with the exception of Joba).  This year's team seems to fall all over each in their scramble to be the first to stand up for a teammmate and that's why they are where they are and why they are head and shoulders above the rest of their competition as the season winds down.  If their play over the last couple weeks had raised questions about that, then the last 2 have answered all of them emphatically.

Seeing this image at the end of the game today...

...made my dick stand up a little bit.  I'm already planning on watching the game naked tomorrow in anticipation of the Yanks sweeping the weekend series, winning the season series, and finishing digging Boston's grave that they hopefully get to bury them in if they meet again in the ALCS.

Fuck You, ESPN

The Yankees basically dominate the game, Jon Lester goes down with what, at the time, looked like a potentially season-ending injury, and what is ESPN.com showing as the front page feature about the game?

"Decent outing?"  "Finally??"  Really, ESPN?  The most important player to your favorite team in the universe just got the shit wrecked out of his knee/quad and you're busy taking jabs at Joba?  I'd like to say I'm surprised, but what else would you expect from the Worldwide Leader in Bandwagon Jumping?

They say everyone guns for you when you're on top, so maybe this is just ESPN's way of acknowledging that the Yankees are the best team.  I'm just thankful there was college and high school football on both ESPN and ESPN 2 last night, otherwise it would have been wall-to-wall coverage of Lester.

Jon Lester's Knee Injury- A Photo Diary

And down goes Lester!!  Down goes Lester!!

Owwwww, my wittle knee hurts...

Are you crying???  There's no crying in baseball!!

You gotta love the intangibles Varitek brings to the meeting here.

Everybody else is checking to see if Lester can even walk

and he's still in his crouch, putting down signs and getting ready for the next pitch.  That's why he wears the "C."

Why the fuck is the umpire checking out his ass?

What Tim Kurjian wouldn't give to switch places with that ump...

I bet Lester wishes he still had cancer right about now...

OK, Jon, here we go.  Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

Nevermind the fact that you may have just shattered your kneecap, just walk down the stairs to test it out.

I mean, there's only 5 or 6 of us here with you.

What are we supposed to do?  Carry you?

Why the fuck is David Ortiz following him down the stairs?

What medical advice could he possibly offer?

Ortiz- "Here Jonnie, jus' take a few of deez peells an' dreenk dis protein shake, meng."

Lester- "Get the fuck away from me, Papi."

Introducing the Terry Francona:

 "We Are Completely Fucked If Lester Is Hurt" Face.

If I could have a mask of this exact picture made and go as Francona for Halloween, I would.

I only wish I got a good shot of Beckett when they put the cameras on him.

His "Oh Fuck" face was even better than Francona's.

The good news is the Yankees spanked Lester before he took the liner, and the bad news is that X-Rays were negative and right now it's being treated as only a contusion.  But judging by the way the Red Sox training staff handled getting him off the field by making him walk and then hobble down a flight of stairs, I'd say there's a good chance they mismanage Lester's treatment and this injury lingers for the remainder of the regular season and into the postseason, which will just make the Yanks' road to the World Series that much easier.

Free-Flowing Yanks-Sox Game 1 Commentary- 9/25/09

- Jason Varitek has thrown out 9 of 110 attempted steals this season.  9 out of 110.  I repeat, 9 OUT OF 110.  What the fuck is he still doing starting a game at catcher in the Majors?  No doubt Joe knew that stat when he decided to send Jeter on the 2nd pitch of the game.

-Another good stat: The Yankees are 3rd in Major League Baseball with a 79.8% stolen base success rate and are 2-for-2 tonight and it's still the 1st inning.  Sure they can smash you to death, but this is the most complete offensive team since 1998; they don't mind beating you with small ball if that's what it takes.

-2 innings, 4 succesful stolen base attempts for the Yankees and none have even been close.  Granted Varitek hasn't had a great pitch to throw on yet, but at this point in his career, does that really matter?  It's like watching a 12-year-old softball girl throw back there.  I wonder if the Angels are watching this?

-Lester's injury did not look good at all for him, but looked amazing to me.  I was half-aroused watching him writhe around on the ground.  If there was one person on their team that the Red Sox didn't want to see get seriously injured, it was undoubtedly Lester.  That horrible sound everybody is hearing right now is Tim Kurkjian and Peter Gammons sobbing in each other's arms on the Baseball Tonight set.

-I wouldn't have guessed that tonight was the first time in his career that Joba retired the first 9 batters he faced in order, but at the same time I'm not surprised by it.  What does that say about his future as a potential Number 1 or Number 2 starter?

-Final line on Lester: 2.1 IP, 8 Hits, 3 BBs, 5 ER, 3 K, 78 Pitches (47 Strikes), and 1 kick save.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  If you think that's the last time I'm going to joke about that injury, then you should read a new blog.

-Ahh, Michael Bowden, he of the 2-inning, 8 hit, 3 walk, 7 earned run butt raping at the hands of New York on August 21.  Why doesn't Francona just wave the white flag right now?  He's trying his damndest, but he's going to have to use some of his bullpen regulars in this game whether he likes it or not.

-Now THAT'S the Joba we've been waiting to see!!!  2nd and 3rd, no outs in the 5th, and he sits down the next 3 batters in order.  He's pitching with that swagger and intensity that he used to pitch the 8th inning.  I don't know if he's stepping up for a spot in the postseason rotation like Girardi said or getting himself prepped to be a bullpen monster again, but he looks fucking fantastic tonight.

-Now THAT's the Joba we're used to seeing.  2 outs, ahead in the count, and he grooves a fastball for an obviously juicing-again David Ortiz.  That's been his undoing over his recent stretch of ineffectiveness; getting ahead of guys and making horseshit pitches that batters have made him pay for and that pitch was no different.  Still a good outing for him tonight, but the way it ended can't make Joe or Yankee fans totally comfortable.

-A-Rod is stinging everything tonight.  Looks like Joe knew what he was doing with that day off for everybody on Wednesday after all.  If he can stay this locked in for the whole series, the division title could be the Yankees' by late Sunday afternoon.

-If you used to read my "Shallow Thoughts" on Facebook, then you remember what I wrote about Jason Varitek on August 9:

"If the Red Sox were a car cruising along a county road, Jason Varitek would be the random blinking red light in the middle of nowhere; the guy just absolutely rapes any chance to have a big inning and has been doing this since 2007."

No time was that proven more true than tonight.  He pops up on the first pitch with runners on 2nd and 3rd and no outs in the 5th and grounds into a double play after J.D. Drew gets on to lead off the 7th.  Actually, now that I read that metaphor, it might be taking it too easy on Varitek.  The guy is absolutely, positively, fucking awful.  I could dedicate an entire separate blog to just how bad a baseball player he is.  If ESPN didn't permanently have the Red Sox's cock stuffed up their ass they would find a way for John Hollinger to calculate a new statistic to prove just how useless Jason Varitek is because VORP simply does not do his ineptitude justice.

-P.S.- It's now the bottom of the 7th inning and he's a perfect 0-6 in throwing out Yankee basestealers.  You gotta love the "intangibles" that he brings to the game, huh?

-Stat of the Night: The top 3 American League batters in HRs hit from the 7th inning on:

1) Mark Teixeira- 15
2) Alex Rodriguez- 13
3) Hideki Matsui- 13

That's how you accumulate 48 comeback wins.

-There's just something great about watching Dustin Pedroia strike out.  It sends a little tingly feeling from the top of my head all the way down to the underside of my balls.  Truly awesome.

-I love what Joe is doing here by throwing his regular bullpen guys instead of the Triple-A "cup of coffee" boys.  Get guys like Marte used to their roles for the postseason now and still keep them fresh for the next game, great move.  I hope Big Floppi and Bay enjoyed facing Marte and Hughes, because they're going to get a lot of that if these 2 teams meet up in the ALCS.

-I was a little wary going in tonight, but I have to say I have thoroughly enjoyed Chip Caray and Buck Martinez calling tonight's game on TBS.  They have been almost completely objective and spent equal time praising each team and criticizing them for the appropriate reasons while focusing on the trends of the game at hand.  They also brought a ton of great stats to the table (see Varitek and Yankee HRs) that ESPN wouldn't dare mention because they portray Boston in a negative light.

There were some bumps in the road (conveniently skipping over the fact that he has sucked for the better part of a month when discussing Josh Beckett; neglecting to mention or even suggest that lower steroid use in today's game could contribute to an increase in running and stolen bases in baseball this year), but overall a good job.  I would take these guys over anybody at ESPN and especially Buck and McCarver 25 hours a day, 8 days a week.

-And that's all she wrote, folks.  If you're Joe Girardi or a Yankee fan, you have to be happy with how tonight went.  Joba finally put a good performance together and the bats came alive.  Even before he left the game, the Yanks were knocking Jon Lester, a noted Yankee killer, around like he was Rhianna.  To cap it off with Cano flashing some And-1 baseball skills was basically the Yankees wiping their sacks across Boston's faces.  The best comparison for this game would be saying it was like hitting a line drive right off someone's knee (ask Lester how that feels), BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The Sox can keep their cheap Wild Card champagne on ice for now while the Bombers move one step closer to setting the universe back in order.  Start spreading the news, bitches...

5 Reasons Why This Weekend's Series Matters

1) It Puts the Yankees back into a higher-pressure situation than what they've been playing under the last month.

The team has basically been on cruise control since their last series against Boston so this will be a good test of where their collective mindsets are at as they head toward the finish line of the regular season. Playing in a playoff-like atmosphere for 3 games will be a good indicator of just how well this new team can handle the pressure of playing playoff baseball as a Yankee, something that the last few Yankee playoff teams could not handle. The ability to get clutch hits and clutch outs was what dogged the 2004, 2005, 2006, and 2007 Yankees and while this year's team has reversed that trend, they still haven't shown they can do it on the biggest stage.

2) It represents Joba's last chance to prove he has value as a postseason pitcher.

Let's be real here, Joba is hanging on by a thread to his chances of being used as a 4th starter in the playoffs. Nothing he can do in the last 2 series is going to be more influential to Joe's decision than tonight's game. Don't forget, if the Yankees sweep this series, they clinch the division, so you know they'll be playing to win. As much as everybody wants to see him do well, I can't imagine Joe leaving Joba out there tonight to stretch him to 4, 5, or 6 innings if he sucks again at the expense of winning the game. And if Joba does suck again, I would give a serious look at Chad Gaudin as my 4th starter before I considered Joba.

3) It will show if Andy Pettitte's shoulder can be counted on for the rest of the season and the playoffs.

So Andy's shoulder didn't bother him after his last start, big fucking deal. I don't even I could have told you his shoulder wasn't going to bother him because he had a ton of extra rest for it. That's like saying it's a groundbreaking discovery that eating more fruits and vegatables is going to help your overall health. The important thing is not to see if more rest helps his shoulder, but whether or not his shoulder can remain strong on regular rest, because that's all he's going to get in the playoffs. You can't afford to skip a start in the postseason rotation and risk throwing Sergio Mitre or Joba out there in a must-win situation, so how Andy and his shoulder feel after Sunday is a much bigger deal than him feeling better after a week off.

4) It will be a good indicator of which team's bullpen has what it takes to get the job done when it matters.

I know I'm a Yankee fan and so my opinion is a little jaded, but is there any doubt the Yankees have the better bullpen than Boston? The New York 'pen has been more consistent and come up bigger in bigger spots more times than Boston's this season, especially in close games. Most of Boston's main bullpen guys are all or nothing and none of them have looked particularly great lately: Ramon Ramirez, Manny Delcarmen, Hideki Okajima, and Daniel Bard, who was absolutely raped by New York the last time he faced them. None of those guys have been lights out or even half of that lately, and Papelbon is never a sure thing. Putting 2 guys on might work against Baltimore and Oakland, but when you're facing the Yankees' lineup, you're always one swing away from losing the lead.

Plus, with Aceves, Joba, and Gaudin out there, they Yankees are far more well-equipped to handle long-relief situations if a starter bombs than Boston, whose bullpen is basically a collection of 1-inning guys, 2 tops. If Dave Robertson is good to go then the advantage in consistency and versatility has to go to New York, but this series will provide some insight on which guys on which teams can get 1, 2, or 3 outs in a clutch situation.

5) It will show where the national media's allegiance lies: still with Fraud Sox Nation or back over to the Dark Side now that the Yankees are viewed as the favorites.

With the mad dash to pick up late-season games, tonight's opening game will be on TBS and ESPN has the Sunday afternoon affair, which means we get to see who Chip Caray and Buck Martinez and Jon Miller, Joe Morgan, and Steve Phillips are rooting for, and thus get a clue as to what the spin will be as both of these teams move into the playoffs and possibly to a meeting in the ALCS.

The Leader in Hype's allegiance is still blatantly to Boston. The SportsCenter and Baseball Tonight coverage of each Yankee game vs. Red Sox game over the last month has been laughably prejudiced to the point where an uneducated person would assume that Boston was nipping at New York's heels for the division lead, if not actually in the lead of the division themselves. The one shining beacon of objectivity has been Joe Morgan, who at least attempts to give the Yankees their due. The real wild card in the ESPN stable is Phillips. As much of a bumbling idiot as he is, he always likes to be associated with the flavor of the month so don't be surprised if he jumps ship to the SS Yankee if New York dominates this weekend's series.

One thing is for certain, though, and that is that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver will continue to be the biggest Red Sox fans this side of Ben Affleck, so hopefully Caray and Martinez are smart enough to side with New York and give a good balance of announcer favoritism for the playoffs.

Random Thoughts on Today's Game

-I don't know what Joe Girardi smoked before the game today, but it had to be good shit seeing as he's out in Cali and he basically coached the game today like a guy who was focused on what flavor Doritos he wanted rather than a manager who needs to be getting his team ready for the postseason.

-Exhibit A- Shelley Duncan starting the game in right field.  Even before today, it was clear to everybody but Joe that Shelley has no business being in the outfield unless he's chasing a member of the opposing team during a brawl.  After today, it needs to be written into any and all future baseball contracts that Shelley Duncan signs that the only time it is acceptable for him to be playing right field is at a family cookout.

-Exhibit B- Joe tries to get cute in the 7th inning and match up with the Angels by replacing Damaso Marte with Jonathan Albaladejo.  Granted I've praised J-Alba for his play late, but let's be realistic, he isn't going to be on the postseason roster, at least not for the Divisional Series.  Marte has shown flashes since returning from the DL but could still use all the reps he can get to get back to top form.  If you want to have confidence in him, you might as well give him a shot to get a righty out.  And if you're going to match up, get Bruney in the game to get his shit figured out.  The fact that Joe didn't go to Bruney shows where he might stand in the postseason pecking order but if Dave Robertson can't go, the Yanks ARE going to need Bruney.

-Exhibit C- Playing the JV team.  Look, I know the Yankees are older and it was an afternoon game after a night game, but assuming they continue to hold the best record in the AL and get to choose their first-round schedule, there are going to be plenty of off days for their 30-and older vets to rest.  The important thing now is to make damn sure you lock up that division title and that freedom to choose the schedule.  My uncle sent me a text late in the game asking why Joe wasn't stepping on the Angels' and essentially every other team's throats and this, once again, falls on Girardi and his decision to sit half the starting lineup today.  He's looking weeks and weeks down the road to the postseason when he should be focused on the next game like he always says he is.  Play the damn starters, rattle off another 7, 8, 9 wins in a row, strike some fear into the other teams, and go into the playoffs with momentum.

-I don't know who the fuck Freddy Guzman is or where he came from; my uncle and I are working under the belief that he is some dude who was bumming around Steinbrenner Field in Tampa when George stumbled out of his office, saw him, and assumed he was actually Mickey Rivers, so he stumbled back inside and ordered Girardi to play him.  The one thing I do know is that if you get this fucking kid on base, he's a guarantee to steal at least one.  Between him and Brett Gardner, the Yanks have more pure speed than they've had in the last 15 years combined.

-Is it me or does Mo seem not quite 100%?  I can't put my finger on it, but it seems like there might still be some lingering soreness in his groin and he's just getting by with his B-level stuff right now.  But when you're as God-like as Mo, your B-level stuff will get you further than most guys' A-stuff so as long as he's saving games that's all that matters.

-Last but not least, another bizzaro move by Joe that thankfully turned into a feel good story today was Ian Kennedy working the 8th inning.  After suffering an aneurysm scare that is all too familiar for Yankees' fans who remember David Cone, Kennedy has made it all the way back to pitch this year and it's good to see him out there as he may become another important factor in the rotation next season. 

I'm sure most Yankee fans probably sat there wishing he still had the aneurysm when he hit a batter and walked 2 more to load the bases, but our little Ian has apparently grown up and learned a new trick called "getting out of trouble," which he did quite well with a strikeout and a flyout.

John Sterling's reaction was a little less than happy upon realizing Kennedy was on the mound...

...but the bottom line is the Yankees have yet another young arm to work with moving forward and his name is:

MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...Kennedy!!!

AB4AR's Week 2 NFL Wrap-Up

Week 2 Recap

Atlanta 28 Carolina 20

Well the good news for Panther fans is that Jake Delhomme only threw one pick yesterday. The bad news is that their team still lost and Matt Ryan outplayed Delhomme, thus dropping the Panthers 2 games behind both Atlanta and New Orleans only 2 games into the season. Tony Gonzalez continued to earn that new parking space at Atlanta's team facility with 7 catches for 71 yards and a TD.

Minnesota 27 Detroit 13

Another workman-like Pee Wee football performance by the Great Favre helps get the Vikings to 2-0. A little-known detail about Favre's contract with the Vikings is that he actually gets paid more in bonuses for every pass under 5 yards he throws. After the first 2 weeks of the season, he has already earned an extra $300,000. Nothing really snappy to say about the Lions; they're performance is a good enough joke in and of itself.

Cincinnati 31 Green Bay 24

Antwan Odom turned himself from a "Who the fuck is that guy?" to a potential Pro Bowl candidate with a team record-tying 5 sacks in Cincy's upset of the Packers. Green Bay's patchwork line made Odom look like Reggie White, and Rich Gannon, probably still woozy from his career-ending concussion/neck injury, seemed to think Odom actually was White with his endless praise. The Green Bay o-line's putrid performance didn't just end on the field though. After the game, they couldn't even stop a horde of autograph seekers from rushing by them to get to Aaron Rodgers.

Houston 34 Tennessee 31

It was the Battle of the Johnsons as Houston's Andre and Tennessee's Chris went back and forth trying to see which Johnson would come up bigger in this back and forth game.... Wait, that sounds really gay, forget I wrote that. In any case, both guys were fantasy owners dreams yesterday, combining for 176,594 yards and 285 TDs. After the game, Tennessee QB Vince Young was so distraught at his team's 0-2 start that he thought about killing himself again. Kerry Collins told him to just chill out and have a beer.

Oakland 13 Kansas City 10

Jamarcus Russell finally broke through and had the type of MVP-caliber game his teammates and coaches have been waiting for yesterday as he led the Raiders to victory over their rivals from Kansas City. I'm just kidding, Russell was fucking terrible as usual, and this time is NFL record-terrible. His 7-24 performance marked just the 2nd time since 1997 that a quarterback attempted more than 20 passes in a game and managed to complete less than 30% of those passes. It's that kind of inept play that makes you wonder just how epically bad Darrius Heyward-Bey will turn out to be and makes you wonder even more how this team is a few stops last Monday night away from being 2-0.

NY Jets 16 New England 9

Without his security blanket, Wes Welker, Tom Brady looked more like Gisele in his performance yesterday as the Pats fell to the Jets and Charlie Weis/Ron White hybrid fat guy, Rex Ryan. After the game, Ryan called New England coach Bill Belichick and left him a voicemail thanking him for never changing his blocking scheme or blitz pickup strategy in the face of constant defensive pressure from Gang Green.

New Orleans 48 Philadelphia 22

Kevin Kolb threw his name into the Eagles' QB hat as he put up almost 400 yards and 2 TDs in defeat, proving once again the Donovan McNabb is a terrible quarterback and should be taken out back and shot. Unfortunately, Kolb's performance was no match for Drew Brees, who had another ho-hum 300+ yard, 3 TD passing day. Right now Brees is on pace to throw for 5,728 yards and 96 TDs this season. Think about that for a second.

Washington 9 St. Louis 7

In what 20 years from now will be known as "The Worst Game Ever Played," the Redskins somehow managed to score more points than the Rams yesterday, thus losing the tiebreaker for the first pick in next year's NFL Draft to St. Louis at the end of the season if both teams end up with the same record.

Arizona 31 Jacksonville 17

Has a team fallen farther than the Jaguars over the last 2 seasons? After his team obviously quit on him last year, for some reason upper management decided to bring back Jack Del Rio and the start to this season hasn't been much better. The new uniforms they started the season with don't seem to be helping so maybe they should try something more in accordance with how they play...

San Francisco 23 Seattle 10

Frank Gore ran for 207 yards on just 16 carries yesterday and after the game graciously donated his game check to the "Seattle Seahawks Run Defense Disaster Relief Fund." In off-the-field Niner news, Michael Crabtree attempted to use this latest win as a bargaining tool, pointing out that the team is undefeated since drafting him and he should be paid accordingly for his impact on the franchise.

Buffalo 33 Tampa Bay 20

Despite another solid performance on the both sides of the ball, Terrell Owens was quick to call out Trent Edwards for only having 97.0 QB rating, Fred Jackson for not rushing for 125 yards, and the defense for only returning one interception for a TD. Fellow wideout Lee Evans wasn't shielded from the verbal tirade either as TO chastised Evans for catching a 32-yard TD pass instead of the 43-yarder Owens caught.

Chicago 17 Pittsburgh 14

In a hard-fought battle at Soldier Field, Jay Cutler silenced his critics by leading Chicago on two consecutive 4th quarter drives to tie and eventually win the game against the defending Super Bowl champs, outplaying Ben Roethlisberger in the process. Roethlisberger got revenge after the game though, by raping Cutler's mom at the team hotel.

Baltimore 31 San Diego 26

In a game that fans will no doubtedly blame LT for losing, it was actually the Chargers defense that couldn't get the job done yesterday in their loss to Baltimore. Ray Lewis had a vintage performance, racking up 12 tackles and slashing through the Chargers' o-line (something he's quite familiar with) and stopping Darren Sproles for a loss to end the game. Shawn Merriman accumulated 1 tackle and no sacks yesterday, meaning the hardest hit he has this season is still the one on Tila Tequila (yeah, that was back-to-back rape/domestic violence jokes right there; classy stuff here, people).

Denver 27 Cleveland 6

Less than a week after he was fined 25 grand for his role in the Brett Favre injury report saga from last season, the NFL fined Browns' coach Eric Mangini an additional $25,000 for completely sucking at his job as his team was thoroughly handled by the Denver Broncos. On a positive note, the Browns rebounded from last week's uncharacteristically decent performance to start a new no-TD streak.

NY Giants 33 Dallas 31

Tony Romo predictably crashed back to Earth last night in a big moment as the NFL-record 105,121 people in attendance got treated to a 13-29, 3 interception performance by Romo in Dallas' last-second loss to the G-Men. There was actually more of a concern about Romo's passes hitting the new video screen than any of the punts, but everyone in attendance did agree that Romo looked even better sucking than usual on the large HD screen.

MNF Prediction

Indianapolis 23 Miami 13

Even without Anthony Gonzalez, the Colts still have plenty of weapons to use against the overrated Dolphins. Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and the 2-headed monster of Joe Addai and Donald Brown will be more than enough to match up against whatever 11 guys actually play on the Dolphins defense (seriously, can anybody even name 2 guys on that defense??). Keep an eye out for Colts WR Pierre Garcon, who looks to cement his status as the NFL's premier black-French wideout.


MNF Predictions for the season (winners): 2-0

MNF Predictions for the season (being even remotely close to getting the score right): 0-2