Monday, September 17, 2012

The Secret Of Loone Bogan

It's been another up-and-down year for Boone Logan.  At face value his numbers look pretty good- 3.99/3.72/3.61 slash , 11.05 K/9 in 49.2 IP over a career-high 72 games.  But the reality is that he's regressed from his much better 2011 campaign, suffering from problematic command (4.35 BB/9), general overuse, and possible over-exposure to right-handed hitting.  His groundball rate is down, his HR rate is up, and Logan is far from the dominant bullpen option he was earlier in the season and much closer to the designated LOOGY that he was when the Yankees first traded for him.

The issues that have plagued Logan this year are not physical, they are not mental.  They are the revelation of a long-rumored family secret, something that Yankee fans and bloggers alike have hinted at and joked about through the years but have never been able to positively identify as fact.  Until now.  In an AB4AR exclusive, I present the source of Boone Logan's 2012 struggles.

(Image may be too disturbing for children under 13)

It's Loone Bogan.  Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, Loone Bogan is real.  He is the evil twin of Boone Logan and despite the family's attempts to keep this hideous secret from the world, the truth can hide no longer.  Bogan has been a thorn in his brother's side since his early days in Chicago and Atlanta, and he has resurfaced again this season after spending 2011 locked up in an undisclosed medical facility.

At first glance they appear to be the same man, and there's certainly no shame in not recognizing one over the other.  They're both the same height and weight, they have the same hair and eye color, they wear the same #48 uniform, they even have the same blood type.  What sets them apart is Bogan's glowing red devil eyes, horns, blood-dripping fangs, and the omnipresent hellfire that springs forth from the earth whenever his demon feet touch it.  There's also the telltale number of the beast on the front of his jersey, but that's something most people wouldn't notice unless they were either standing right in from of him or watching a plasma screen HDTV.

Loone Bogan's impact on his brother's season has been devastating.  In 10 appearances dating back to the start of this season, the most recent one on 9/6, Bogan has produced the following pitching line:

6.1 IP, 17 H, 17 ER, 5 HR, 5 BB, 11 K

Ghastly, I know.  I can hardly look at those numbers they're so horrible.  By comparison, Logan has been very good when he's been able to escape the clutches of his evil twin and pitch:

43.1 IP, 27 H, 5 ER, 1 HR, 19 BB, 50 K- 62 App.

Whereas Logan's slider typically sweeps through the strike zone and dives off the table away to left-handed batters and at the back foot of right-handed batters, Loone Bogan's is flat, and typically drops right into the heart of the hitting zone.  It's the curse that was placed upon him when he was first born, the curse that led him down the dark path he is currently on, the path of evil and the path that has twisted him into the sick monster he is today.  He's made it his sole mission in life to inflict his curse on his brother, and he's done a damn fine job of it this season.

So there you have it, folks.  The secret has been revealed.  It is not simple regression or overwork that has done Boone Logan in this season, oh no.  That explanation would be far too simple, and would only spit in the face of the horrible truth you now know.  But now that you do know it, take this knowledge and use it.  The next time #48 takes the mound, pay a little closer attention to him.  See if you can notice the eyes and the fire, and pay attention to the movement and location of the slider.  If hitters are smacking the ball all over the yard and the grounds crew is coming out with the hose, it's probably Loone Bogan.

I just hope that Bogan doesn't do anything more to affect the Yankees during this stretch run.  His presence this season has already been destructive enough.

P.S.- Hands down the greatest Microsoft Paint job in the history of Microsoft Paint.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

easily one of my favorite yanks blog posts ever.