(Photo courtesy of The AP)
He hits the longest batting practice home runs on days when he doesn't even take batting practice.
He can drive in runs simply by thinking about it.
Major League Baseball schedules the team's off days around his schedule.
He melts down the gold from his Gold Glove awards and uses it to make Kanye West's jewelry.
He is Mark Teixeira.
He doesn't always drink beer. But when he does, you can be assured he doesn't drink some shitty Mexican piss water like Dos Equis.
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