Baltimore 30 Denver 7
Joe Flacco was efficient, Ray Rice was good enough, and the Baltimore D was dominant in knocking the Broncos from the ranks of the unbeaten. But hey, at least Josh McDaniels still has more career wins than Romeo Crennel, Eric Mangini, and Charlie Weis combined.
Philadelphia 40 NY Giants 17
Consider the panic button pushed in New York as Eli and company have taken shitting the bed to a whole new level. Donovan McNabb put on a show, racking up almost all of his yards and 3 TD passes in the first half. Eli has made his yearly transition back to a noodle-armed 8-year-old girl earlier than usual this season, which doesn't bode for well for the G-Men as the rest of the division seems to be hitting their stride. (Washington doesn't count; they aren't a professional team in my book)
Miami 30 NY Jets 25
Finally a game the Jets can't blame on Mark Sanchez. The dirty one was pretty good yesterday, but not good enough to overcome the Ted Ginn Return Extravaganza. Here's the breakdown of Miami's point scoring: Offense 9, Defense 7, Special Teams 14. When you only give up 104 total yards and still lose, that's cause for concern.
Indianapolis 18 San Francisco 14
Peyton Manning had 347 yards but no touchdowns and Joe Addai tossed a beautiful TD pass to Reggie Wayne, finishing the game with a perfect QB rating and sparking a debate over who should be starting at QB next week for Indy. After another monster day (12-147-1TD), can we all just agree Reggie Wayne is the best receiver in the NFL? Larry Fitz has Anquan Boldin and Steve Breaston next to him; Wayne has Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie. I mean, no offense to them but they are Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie.
St. Louis 17 Detroit 10
Steven Jackson's 149 yards and 1 TD were enough to get the Rams and Steve Spagnuoulo their first win of the season, breaking a 17-game losing streak in the process. While one streak ended, the Lions looked good in their attempt to get a new losing streak going. They may not be committed to winning, but you can't say Detroit isn't committed to being consistent.
Dallas 38 Seattle 17
Somebody needs to find out who Tony Romo is banging now because lately he's been nothing like the mistake-prone, choke-in-the-clutch d-bag that we know and love and it's killing my joke potential. Miles Austin slacked a bit this week, racking up only 61 yards and 1 TD (yawn), and with Roy Williams coming out of the witness protection program this week to catch a TD pass, the 'Boys are suddenly stacked at WR.
Chicago 30 Cleveland 7
Jay Cutler was OK yesterday, but when your opponent is the Browns, OK is usually way more than enough to win. Matt Forte had 2 TDs and Cleveland committed what, for them, is a respectable 5 turnovers. Sooner or later we're going to have to organize one of those offseason QB competitions with Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Jamarcus Russell, and Jake Delhomme to see just who the worst QB in the league is. Tell me you wouldn't watch that; dudes bouncing passes off of tires, underthrowing stationary targets, it would be the highest of high comedy.
Houston 31 Buffalo 10
Despite losing Owen Daniels for the season with an ACL injury and having Andre Johnson shut down with just 6 catches for 63 yards, the Texans still romped over the Bills and ended the Ryan Fitzpatrick winning streak. Ryan Moats came off the bench to have 126 yards and 3 TDs after Steve Slaton was benched so the training staff could find a cure for his fumbleitis. If that strategy keeps working like it did yesterday, they might just want to let Slaton go out and cough the ball up early so they can sub in with Moats.
San Diego 24 Oakland 16
Hey, a LaDainian Tomlinson sighting!!! Wow, it's even more unbelievable in person. Somehow LT stumbled his way into 2 TDs yesterday, tricking all of his fantasy owners into keeping him for another couple of weeks as A Whale's Vagina took care of business against the fighting Jamarcuses. Asked how he felt about the team's loss coupled with the OTL story about his violent past towards women at the postgame press conference, Tom Cable promptly beat the shit out of Andrea Kramer.
Tennessee 30 Jacksonville 13
Vince Young played surprisingly well in his return yesterday against the Jags, taking care of the ball, completing some big passes, and never once threatening to kill himself. Of course when your RB is Chris Johnson, that makes life a lot easier. Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew engaged in a RB version of "My Dick is Bigger Than Your Dick" all day as Jones' 177 yards and 2 long TDs (79 and 80 yards) on 8 carries were bested by Johnson's 24 carries, 228 yards, and 2 TDs (52 and 89 yards).
Minnesota 38 Green Bay 26
I have run out of sarcastic things to say about Brett Favre. The guy has played out of his mind for the first half of this season and yesterday put an end to any speculation that the Packers can hang with the Vikings by tossing 4 more TDs. Of course that doesn't change the fact that he's a turncoat, prima donna, bitter, old, pill-popping bastard sonofabitch, but hey, what can you do. The Packers have no o-line and no D and to quote Ron Jaworski, "That just won't get it done in the National Football League."
Carolina 34 Arizona 21
In a game that proves that stats and rankings mean absolutely nothing in the NFL, the Panthers racked up 271 yards and 2TDs on the ground against the NFL's leading rush D on way to a big upset win. Kurt Warner, in an effort to show Jake Delhomme that he's not alone out there as a pathetic turnover machine, graciously committed 6 turnovers in the loss.
MNF Prediction:
New Orleans 39 Atlanta 26
Call me skeptical, but I just don't think the Falcons' young D has what it takes to bottle up Brees and Friends. They'll keep it close early, but once New Orleans pulls away and Atlanta has to start throwing more as they play from behind, expect a few picks from Matty Ice that will put the game out of reach.
MNF Predictions for the Season (Winners): 5-3
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