Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Introducing The AB4AR "Lists"

By now, it should be no secret to the regular readers of this site that there are certain guys I am a big fan of and certain guys I'm not.  Even more than that, there are certain guys that I carry maybe a bit more love for than any Yankee fan should.  Alright, I'll just come out and say it, I've got man crushes on a bunch of Yankee personnel, some for a long time, some very new.  But they are man crushes none the less and I'm not afraid to hide them; they need to be documented.  Below is the inaugural class that will be retroactively inducted into the AB4AR Man Crush Hall of Fame, with their date of induction shown in parentheses.  Congratulations, gentlemen.

The Man Crush List:

- Derek Jeter (October 13, 2001)- I don't feel like I have to explain to this one.  The dude is the man, and he always has been, even with the down year in 2010.  He stole my fan heart back on the night of October 13, 2001, when he made the play that today is known as "The Flip."  The follow up clutch postseason home run in '01, the dive into the stands, and the countless jump throws from the hole have all but secured Jeter's spot as my ultimate Yankee man crush.

- Mariano Rivera (October 16, 2003)- Another one that needs no explanation.  Any male Yankee fan who claims to NOT have a man crush on Mo is either a liar or is not a true Yankee fan.  When he came in and pitched 3 shutout innings against Boston in Game 7 of the '03 ALCS, giving Aaron Bleeping Boone the chance to work his magic, I was hooked.

- Phil Hughes (October 7, 2007)- Phil Hughes has always held a special place in my heart because he is the first Yankee prospect I really followed up through the system to the Majors.  He has also survived a ton of potential trades and is starting to make Cash look like a genius for not swapping him for Johan a few seasons ago.  Hughes' induction moment would be when he relieved an ineffective (and probably injury-faking) Roger Clemens in Game 3 of the 2007 ALDS and picked up the win.

- Brian Cashman (December 23, 2008)- I have always been a Cash guy, and would love to know what an alternate mid-2000s for the Yankees would have been like if Cash was able to make the moves he wanted to make instead of Mr. Steinbrenner throwing money at washed up big names.  He didn't do Hughes-for-Johan, he has built up the farm system again, and he's starting to be more vocal in the media about his feelings, which I like.  But the Cash man crush was official when he came in like a thief in the night and snatched up Teix from all the other teams in December of '08.  That was kickass.

- Kevin Long (August 11, 2010)- A more recent addition, Long's induction came after the 2-day swing rebuild he conducted on C-Grand last August.  After that session, C-Grand was money for the rest of the year and I think poised to have a big 2011.  If Kev can work some more of that magic on Jeter this season, there might be a few games where I have to change my pants.

- Robinson Cano (October 15, 2010)- I have been a fan of and a hater of Cano at many various times since he was called up, but 2010 finally got him on my good side permanently, and the man crush became official after his monster HR against the Rangers in the ALCS.  The dude has established himself as the best 2B in all of baseball and he just looks like a cool fucking guy.  I'm smitten.


- David Cone (Lifetime Achievement Award)- I can't pick out one moment that turned me on to Coney, but between the coming back from injury, the perfect game, all the big postseason starts, the tons of behind-the-scenes stuff I've found out about him from reading all the recent Yankee books, and the fact that he's my favorite announce out of the entire YES pool, it's an easy selection.

But of course, for every man crush, their is an equal and opposite hatred had for another person.  With that in mind, there has to be a running Shit List for players who, depending on the situation, I wouldn't even pull out my phone to dial 911 if they started to die right in front of me.  Now there are no induction dates on the Shit List, because players can work their way off the list at any time.  But for starters, here's the AB4AR Shit List to open the 2011 season.  Congratulations to you guys too, I guess.

The Shit List:

- A.J. Burnett- The 2010 season was unforgivable, son.  I've seen 5-year-old girls with more emotional strength than you.  I don't know what's going on with you and your old lady, but I would suggest divorcing her ass, go get drunk and bang some strippers at Score's, get your mind right, and come back for 2011 focused and ready to blow people away.

- Damaso Marte- 3 years, $21 mil, and you're STILL fucking hurt??  Why not just cut your left arm off and have the doctors replace it with a new one?  They can grow arms on the backs of mice, right? 

- Kei Igawa- If I think too much about all the reasons I hate Kei Igawa, I might have a brain aneurysm.  So I'll just keep it simple and say he's an asshat in sunglasses that can't pitch worth a shit and looks like Droopy Dog.

- Nick Johnson- I'm still not over him missing 2010 with another wrist injury.  Shit, I'm still not over the Yankees actually signing him back.  That should change once the 2011 season starts and I don't have to see his fat, stupid face during the pregame lineup intros, so don't expect to see him on the list very long.

- Randy Levine- Dude, stop pretending that you actually know something about baseball.  And do something with that ridiculous Jew 'fro. 

- Joe Girardi's Bullpen Matchup Binder- I know it's not an actual "person," but I swear that thing must have some kind of power or aura about it, with the way Joe trusts it so much and bows to its every recommendation.  If somebody kidnapped this thing and burned it I would throw a party.

So there you have it, folks.  The 2011 class for the Man Crush HOF and the first round of fucktards for the AB4AR Shit List.  These are running lists, so you can see new members added or subtracted at any time during the season.  Follow the updates on the sidebar and submit any requests you might have for people I missed.

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