Monday, October 26, 2009

AB4AR's Week 7 NFL Wrap-Up

Week 7 Recap

New England 35 Tampa Bay 7

After rudely routing the pathetic Bucs for 308 yards and 3 TDs, one of them to Sam Aiken (yeah, I don't know who the hell he is either), Brady and company made like the Pilgrims and quickly left the motherland to head back to the good old U.S. of A. Not surprisingly, some of the Bucs considered staying in England for their off-week next week out of fear that their fans would boo them back to England upon their return anyway.

Houston 24 San Francisco 21

Owen Daniels moved up in the "Premiere White Tight End in the NFL" rankings with a 7-catch, 123-yard, 1 TD performance against a Niner defense that had been shutting down opposing tight ends all season. Alex Smith and his freakishly small hands made their season debut but just fell short in a comeback attempt. Interesting side note: Michael Crabtree's 5 catches for 56 yards in just one game give him almost the same numbers as Darrius Heyward-Bey has all season, just more proof that Crabtree deserved the money he was asking for and that Al Davis is completely senile.

Indianapolis 42 St. Louis 6

The Rams kept this one close for the first 3 minutes of the first quarter and then their ineptitude took over in this lopsided embarrassment. Stevie Spags is already contacting the Giants to see if he can get a job, any job, back with the organization. Peyton Manning was on auto-pilot for the whole game and it showed: ONLY 235 yards??? What the hell?

Pittsburgh 27 Minnesota 17

I'm not going to trash Favre for throwing that late-game pick because Taylor should have caught it. But I will trash him for that half-assed, all-pussy attempt to take out the Pittsburgh defender instead of trying to stop the guy with the ball. For God's sakes, man, that's the ballgame heading down the sideline and you're flopping to the turf like one of the people in "The Happening!!" On the bright side, Pittsburgh's relentless D and it's 2 touchdowns allowed Favre to keep padding his TD-pass record. Oh wait, he doesn't get credited with a TD for the pick 6? Bummer.

Green Bay 31 Cleveland 3

Move along folks, nothing to see here, nothing at all. Just arguably the worst team in football getting their asses reamed again. Add "tackling" to the ever-growing list of things the Browns suck at and put another big check mark next to "coaching" on the list of things Eric Mangini sucks at. The Packers' offense this season has been just like my sex life: inconsistent with protection but always with the potential to score quickly. HIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

San Diego 37 Kansas City 7

Kansas City is slowly learning that they may have traded for the wrong New England quarterback last offseason as their offense continues to be only slightly less awful than Cleveland's. It also didn't help that Phillip Rivers torched their D to the tune of 268 yards and 3 TDs, and did it all without screaming at, throwing the ball at, or giving the D-X crotch chop to anybody.

NY Jets 38 Oakland 0

Man, look at all these close scores, huh?! It was nothing but nail-biters across the league yesterday. The Raiders proved to be the perfect antidote for the ailing Jets offense, who turned Mark Sanchez into a Pee-Wee quarterback yesterday and just had him hand off to Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene, who combined for 265 yards and 3 TDs after Leon Washington's leg injury got him a nomination to the Joe Theismann Hall of Fame.

Buffalo 20 Carolina 9

This just in: The Bills are undefeated with Ryan Fitzpatrick at the helm. The kid just can't be stopped, especially when he's up against the "Human Turnover," Jake Delhomme, who added to his legend with 3 more picks yesterday. You would have thought that the Panthers learned their lesson last week; just give the ball to Williams and Stewart and you'll win. I know they were playing from behind yesterday, but that rule should still apply. When you're counting on Jake Delhomme to lead you back you might as well forfeit.

Cincinnati 45 Chicago 10

Cedric Benson backed up his trash talk of the Bears all week with 189 yards on the ground and 1 TD. After the game he called Jay Cutler AND Brian Urlacher pussies, gave Lovie Smith a wet willy, and cock-smacked the Bears cheerleaders. Carson Palmer and his 5 TD passes are playing almost as well in real life right now as he does for my Madden franchise.

Dallas 37 Atlanta 21

Matt Ryan got Romo'd yesterday as Tony threw for 311, 3TDs, and no completions to the Falcons. The Atlanta O could never get in a groove, mainly due to their inability to establish the run. Miles Austin's 6 catches, 171 yards, and 1 TD has apparently inspired Spike TV to have another Cowboy-themed reality show in which Patrick Crayton and Roy Williams each compete in a series of football events to determine who doesn't end up being cut in the offseason.

New Orleans 46 Miami 34

After playing the first half like a drunk Clark Kent, Drew Brees remembered to jump in the phone booth before the 2nd half to lead the Saints back to a victory over the Dolphins. Brees' 2 rushing TDs for a combined 3 yards now establishes him as a dual-threat on offense, making the Saints more dangerous and rendering Reggie Bush pretty much useless. Don't be surprised to see Brees cure cancer on a 3rd and Goal play next week. The Dolphins continues to show that the Wildcat offense can be effective, but if they really want to contend, they might want to think about formulating a Wildcat defense.

Arizona 24 NY Giants 17

The hangover from last week's beatdown was still present for the Giants yesterday, as they couldn't hold leads or get stops when they needed to. Mario Manningham and Eli Manning did their best Howie Kendrick-Scott Kazmir impression, with Manningham dropping a sure TD pass late in the 4th and then Eli floating a pass into double coverage for the game-clinching interception.

MNF Prediction

Philadelphia 30 Washington 10

Whatever new wrinkles Sherm Lewis is going to cook up for the Redskins' offense, the smart money is going to be on them not working against Philly's D. Expect at least one interception return for a touchdown, multiple big pass pays to DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin, and enough McNabb-Westbrooky-goodness to make this game a snoozer early.

MNF Predictions for the Season (Winners): 4-3

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