Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Early-Season MSM Panic Meter Is Rising Rapidly

"There are Yankees killers and then there are Yankees killers and then there is Ortiz, who is a serial murderer of Yankees pitching." (Vaccaro, The Post)

"The Yankees are a second-place team now after falling 11-6 to Boston. Heck, they are just 4 1/2 games ahead of last-place Baltimore in the congested AL East." (Sherman, The Post)

"At this moment, just a game separates the teams ... Still, it feels like Boston is ascending, distancing themselves from their distasteful start to the season." (Sherman again)

"There are a thousand ways to look at the Red Sox domination of the Yankees, but start with the fact that when the Yankees need A.J. Burnett the most, he comes up small." (Kernan, The Post)

"Say the Yankees face the Red Sox in the ALCS. Who are they going to pitch in Game 2 of that series?" (Kernan again)

"It's becoming the first half of 2009 all over again, and right now the Yanks can only hope this season ends the same way that one did. But after an 11-6 Yankee loss Wednesday night, the Red Sox clearly have the Bombers' number, beating them for the seventh time in eight games." (Feinsand, The Daily News)

"It could have been a wonderful night, the best of the season at Yankee Stadium, a comeback to talk about all season. Are you kidding? After being 7-0 down against the Red Sox? It was right there in the bottom of the sixth, all over the bases and all over the place. Gardner didn't score. Jeter didn't hit. Red Sox win again." (Lupica, The Daily News)

As you can clearly see from all the literary mass hysteria, these are trying times in Yankeeland.  We're at DEFCON 2 here, people.  Another sweep at the hands of the Fraud Sawx is imminent, nobody can pitch, nobody can hit, Joba is staring down the barrel of TJS, and the Yankees are already screwed in the hypothetical 2011 ALCS showdown they will have with the Fraud Sawx.  And there is only one man who can save us.

(Courtesy of The AP)

That man is you, Carsten Charles Sabathia.  Your team needs you.  The NY sports writers need you.  We the fans NEED you, Carsten.  We need you to rise up, put the team on your back, and help salvage this all-important regular season series in June.  The Sawx are ascending, like majestic flying unicorns, towards the sun and their inevitable World Series trophy.  They are dominating your team, they have your number, and the last 2 days have shown that there is NOBODY on this team except for you and you alone who can turn out a good start.  For God's sake, you're 1 game back of the division lead, man! ONE WHOLE GAME!!!  IN JUNE!!!  DO YOU NOT SEE THE IMPORTANCE OF TONIGHT'S OUTCOME?!?!?!?!

The fate of the team, nay, the fate of the entire UNIVERSE may very well hang in the balance tonight.  Because I think we all know that if the Yankees lose tonight, and go down a whole 2 games to Fraud Sawx Nation, 1 in the loss column, then the season is basically over.  And even if it isn't, clearly the last 2 games have proven that this dominance will carry over for the rest of the regular season and into the hypothetical ALCS.

So save us, CC.  Save us from this terror and this misery.  Give us something to believe in.  Don't let the doom and gloom that has crept over all of us after these last 2 "do or die" June games engulf us all.

1 comment:

nutballgazette said...

Derek Jeter has become Mr Choke