"The Red Sox have won 100 or more games three times in their 110-year existence. They will make it four in 2011."
They will? Oh, OK. Good to know. So we can just skip the regular season and get right to the playoffs where they can all forget their bats and have Jonathan Papelbon blow another series for them then, can't we?
"But this team has the potential to accomplish something even bigger than winning 100 games."
Becoming the first team to win more than 100 games with the most insufferable douchebags on its roster?
"Bookmakers like the Red Sox’ chances. Current odds put them at 9-2 to win the 2011 World Series. Only the Phillies, at 7-2, are bigger favorites, with the Yankees not far behind at 5-1 shots."
So the bookmakers don't really like their chances that much, since they gave another team better odds than Boston and have the Yankees slated only slightly behind the Red Sox despite the fact that they've only added Pedro Feliciano this offseason. But hey, whatever helps prove your pointless point, Eric.
"Championships, of course, aren’t won in January."
No, they aren't. They're just talked about incessantly by half-assed writers who are so blinded by the supposed star power of their favorite team that they can't even be bothered to check stats to support what they're saying.
"Look at the starting lineup.
Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
Dustin Pedroia, 2B
Carl Crawford, LF
Adrian Gonzalez, 1B
Kevin Youkilis, 3B
David Ortiz, DH
J.D. Drew, RF
Jarrod Saltalamacchia, C
Marco Scutaro/Jed Lowrie, SS"
First of all, anybody that honestly thinks Jacoby Ellsbury should continue to lead off for the Red Sox is a moron. So right off the bat, Ortiz has fucked himself on making this "invincible" lineup and shown that he has no basic understanding of what makes a good leadoff hitter. But I'll let him go...
"Speed. Power. Plate discipline. This lineup has it all. Good luck finding a hole from 1 to 7."
I think I just did that, no? But if you want to keep going, I can point out that J.D. Drew fucking sucks and bats 7th and Big Sloppi will be another year older and more than likely will regress back to something similar to what he was in 2009. Not to mention that this lineup has lefties paired together everywhere you turn. And they do play in the same division as CC Sabathia, David Price, Ricky Romero, and Brian Matusz.
"Saltalamacchia is a bit of a wild card... "
If by "wild card," you mean that he is complete bust of a catcher who has passed through 3 organizations over the last 4 seasons with a tripleslash of .248/.315/.386 combined with some of the worst defense this side of Jorge Posada, then yes, you would be correct.
"... but the 25-year-old could be ready for a breakout season."
Yeah. And I might get to fuck Eva Mendes this year.
"Besides a potent offensive attack, the Red Sox will boast airtight defense, perhaps the best of any team in baseball."
A pretty big task considering they finished 23rd in all of baseball in fielding percentage last year and committed the 8th most errors, but they have Carl Crawford, damnit!! He cures all ills created by Jacoby Ellsbury's shitty angles to balls in the gap and J.D. Drew's general lack of effort. Also consider the previously-mentioned Salty behind the plate and Scutaro at short and then disregard Ortiz's previous statement.
"Youth, experience and versatility will ride the pine like lions waiting to hunt."
I don't even know what this means. First of all, lions don't hunt, lionesses do. Second of all, no. You know what? I'm just going to let the stupidity of that statement stand on its own as Ortiz dives into the Boston rotation.
"Beckett will notch more than six victories."
He will? I think his increasing age, decreasing velocity, and general lack of interest in conditioning that keeps leading to his injuries argues against that. But then again, he would win 8 games and prove the point right. 8 wins from your former ace? Yeah, that's what you're looking for if you're Terry Francona.
"Lackey should be better equipped to avoid the one-bad-inning syndrome."
Because nothing cures "one-bad-inning syndrome" like being another year older, another year fatter, and having diminishing stuff. Well that and some Vitamin C.
"And Dice-K might be the best No. 5 starter ever."
Which is like being the best looking ugly chick ever. It doesn't mean shit. Especially when he was signed for over $103 million and expected to team with Beckett to form a top tandem. Dice-Gay's failures to be league average were part of the reason the Sox promoted Lester and Buchholz earlier and went out and signed Lackey.
"When Red Sox starters have to hand the ball to the bullpen this season, Boston fans won’t have to have to cover their eyes and pray."
The people sitting next to them can do it for them!
"The weak link in 2010 could be one of the best relief corps in the business."
Tim Wakefield, RHP- Sucks. Completely washed up.
Scott Atchison/Matt Albers, RHP- Sucks/Sucks.
Hideki Okajima, LHP- Really sucks. Couldn't get me out swinging lefty at this point.
Dan Wheeler, RHP- Decent, but getting older.
Bobby Jenks, RHP- Diminishing and stealing innings from a better pitcher.
Daniel Bard, RHP- Best reliever in the 'pen possibly being reduced to the 7th-inning role.
Jonathan Papelbon, RHP- Sucks. Has seen all his numbers dip across the board over the last couple years.
So yeah, don't worry about covering your eyes, folks. After some of the horrible outings that Beckett, Lackey, and Dice-Gay have, it might not even matter which of these slobs Tito decides to bring out of the 'pen! YAY!!!!
"Every day should feel like Christmas for Curt Young, the new Red Sox pitching coach."
If he spent Christmas in a broken home with abusive parents or a poorly-run orphanage.
"The former A’s pitching coach didn’t have anything close to the horses he has now, and Oakland’s staff posted a 3.56 ERA last season, the best in the American League and fourth-best in the majors."
Gee, maybe that was because they were actually GOOD PITCHERS!!! Unless you, like Ortiz, are completely willing to ignore anything other than players' names and assume that name recognition and coaching are the 2 factors of determining success in baseball and not any actual talent.
"Imagine what he can do with a Grade A collection of arms."
Probably the exact same thing he did last season. With a collection of Grade-A arms.
"The 2001 Mariners won 116 regular-season games to set the American League record for most wins in a single season and tie the 1906 Cubs for the major league record (though the North Siders accomplished the feat in 152 games). Both those teams failed to win the World Series."
Thus proving that it doesn't matter how many games you win during the regular season.
"The Red Sox have no intention of suffering a similar fate."
Unlike all those other teams who come into each and every baseball season intending to lose. Becawse the fahckin' Sawx have so much fahckin' hahht!! They cannawt be stawpped!!
"The 2011 Red Sox possess all the pieces to have a season for the ages. If everything falls into place and the breaks go their way, they could do more than set records and become champions....."
Oh, I'm sorry. You're finally going to get to the point that you so glaringly glossed over in the introduction to this disaster?
"They could unseat the 1927 Yankees as the greatest major league team of all time."
Of course!!! The goal of any Red Sox player, coach, fan, commentator, and writer. To do something better than the Yankees. And here we have it, folks. This piece of journalistic shit is just another attempt by somebody associated with the Red Sox to be better than the Yankees. All the bitching, moaning, cursing, losing, steroid using, finally winning, and then winning again can't change the fact that the Red Sox are still the Yankees' little brother when it comes to sustained success and they are still treated as such by people in their OWN MEDIA.
It doesn't matter if the Red Sox win 10 games this year, 100 games this year, or 160 games this year. It doesn't matter if they sweep the playoffs all the way or get swept in the divisional round by the Twins. At the end of the day, their organization still won't hold a candle to the Yankee organization. They won't have as many wins, as many championships, as many Hall of Famers, as much national and worldwide recognition, or as much prestige. And that is what still eats at so many people in and around the Sox organization and that is precisely why something this idiotic was still written.
People can't just be happy that the Sox are favored this year and could win a title. They HAVE to be better than the Yankees with this year's team or it won't be good enough. The Yankees could give a fuck. They just want to win to put another ring on their fingers and another pennant on the facade.
So good luck this year, Eric. For your idiotic sake I hope the Red Sox DO win 119 games and the World Series this year. Because I bet if that doesn't happen then you won't be satisfied. And that is just sad.
By the way, Eva, if you're reading this, give me a call. If Ortiz actually believes some of the shit he's writing is going to happen then maybe I do have a shot with you.
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