("Go Yankees! The gnarly gnarlingtons that they are.")
Say what you want about Charlie Sheen, but the dude's radio rant the other day was one the most entertaining things I have ever experienced in my life. And as I listened to it, suddenly it dawned on me that a lot of what he was saying could be applied to the Yankees and their ongoing adventures. So let's have a little fun now and take some of the best lines from Charlie's sobriety-induced rant and match them up with the Yankee to which they are most applicable and/or with the Yankee I'd most like to see drop them.
"Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls." - Cash
With all the stuff Cash had to deal with this offseason - getting spurned by Lee, the Jeter negotiations, all the Minor League deals, Andy retiring, the beating he took in the MSM for the moves he made and for being more vocal, and finally being overruled by the ownership on the Soriano signing - wouldn't it have been awesome to see him get up there when it was his turn to talk at the Soriano introductory presser and drop this line when Feinsand asked him why he was against the deal? I would never question Cash again on anything if he had the stones to call out Hank and Levine like this.
"... and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.” - A-Rod
As much flak as he already takes for saying the wrong thing in the media, making bad decisions on when to announce things, and having Cameron Diaz feed him popcorn at the Super Bowl, I would have paid money to watch A-Rod drop this line on the media at the press conference after he hit his 600th homer last year. Just go all out, play up the bad guy role, and tell everybody to bask in his awesomeness. And then rise up on his hind legs and kick somebody in the face.
"I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold." - Jeter
This seemed to be Jeter and Casey Close's whole position in negotiating Jeter's new contract last year. They were playing up the angle of who Jeter is and what he's done and what he means to the organization rather than focusing on what his numbers are. And when you consider some of the patchwork rotations the Yankees were working with in the mid-2000s, and the fact that Jeter was putting up monster numbers to help those teams win, this would have been a fair statement to make. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if Close actually did say this word-for-word at one of the meetings.
“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips." - Mo
He would never say something this arrogant, so it's not even worth imagining it, but is there a more true statement to describe Mo's performance over his career. The dude just runs roughshod over the entire sport of baseball and 2 generations of players with one pitch, the fastball earlier in his career and the cutter now. If that's not magic and poetry in his fingertips then I don't know what is.
"Most of the time, and this includes naps, I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.” - Jesus
This one's a bit of a stretch. On the one hand, Jesus is definitely comparable to an F-18 and he will flat out destroy people once he gets up to the show and starts raking. On the other hand, the whole 'in the air/on the ground' dynamic seems more appropriate for a pitcher. But since there's no one on the Yankee staff who lives up to this monumental declaration (except Mo), I'm happy to assign Jesus to this and continue to wait for him to make it a reality.
"'Oh, you’d better work through your resentments.’ Yeah, no. I’m gonna hang on to them, and they’re gonna fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers." - Joe
I could see Joe saying this if/when the media questions about the Fraud Sawx and losing out on Lee get to the point that nobody wants to talk about them anymore. And I would give him a standing ovation for doing so. As much as I preach not worrying about the Lee or Red Sox situations, I do think the team will use that talk as motivation this year. They're already using words like "underdogs" and "hunter" to describe themselves, so why not go all out and just say that these 2 topics are going to fuel the Yankee attack this year?
"The only thing I’m addicted to is winning." - CC
People thought CC was going to go to the Angels because he's a Cali boy. Now they're all worried about him opting out and leaving after this season. Look, CC is almost certainly going to opt out, and he should because it's a business and I can't hate on the guy for trying to get a few more bucks. But anybody who thinks CC isn't re-upping is a moron. He's chasing wins, not dollars, and he knows his best chance to get more wins and get more rings is with the Yankees. Period.
"Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you!" -Cano
This is what he should be saying to all the people who are predicting a down year for him this year. Robbie Cano is an MVP in the making and he's on his way to putting up some monster numbers for a 2B and some monster numbers for anybody over the next few years. He is special, not ordinary. And he's getting ready to rub everybody's face in it.
"He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I’d never want to be like.” - Cash on Cliff Lee
This was just to be funny. I know Cash is way too classy to say it, just like the first quote, but it would make my day to watch him call out Lee and his dumbass wife for being too scared to come to the Big Apple.
So there you have it, just a little Yankee humor at Charlie Sheen's expense. And seriously, go listen to that rant of his on YouTube. Pure comedy.