Monday, November 9, 2009
Now as a Yankee fan, I'm obligated to agree with the crowd here and say that this guy is absolutely an asshole and a homo, but I'm also going to give credit where credit is due because it takes a set of big, hairy balls to walk through the Canyon during the parade dressed to the 9s in your Sox gear after your team completely shat the bed in their playoff series.
In fact, this dude shows more heart in this video than the Red Sox showed throughout their entire season. There's no way a guy with this much gall goes a combined 3-32 with 0 RBIs and 9 Ks like the 3-4-5 hitters in Boston's lineup did in the postseason, or have a Three-Mile Island-style meltdown in the 9th inning when your team was looking for you to close out a win and shift momentum in your series like the Great Papelbon did in Game 3.
If I'm Theo, I'm tracking this fucking dude down and locking him up to a 3-year deal tonight, and then figure out where he's going to play and where he should hit in the lineup later. After the team-wide fold job they put on in the second half of the year and the playoffs, you have to show your fans that you have a commitment to winning, and signing this dude shows that commitment.
Or you could re-sign Tim Wakefield and leave the door open for Jason Varitek to come back next year...
Atlanta 31 Washington 17
On a day where Matt Ryan wasn't at his best, Michael Turner put the Falcons on his back with 166 yards and 2 TDs to make sure the Falcons didn't fall to the lowly 'Skins. There were some good signs for Washington, though; Jason Campbell threw 2 TD passes, even though one of them was to the Falcons. And CB Dante Hall showed some fight on defense, but it was mostly with the Falcons' sideline and coach, Mike Smith. So yeah, I guess the Redskins still just suck. Nevermind.
Arizona 41 Chicago 21
Even without Anquan Boldin, Arizona's offense was in full effect yesterday. Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower combined for 149 yards on the ground, making them the most potent Cardinal RB tandem since....well since.... OK, so the Cardinals have never had a good RB tandem, making these guys the first. It was also a monster day for the quarterbacks as Kurt Warner and Jay Cutler combined for 630 yards passing and 8 TDs and Matt Leinart went 0-1 with an interception. If that doesn't look very good next to Warner's numbers, you have to remember that just getting on the field is a monster day for Matt Leinart.
Cincinnati 17 Baltimore 7
The Cincinnati defense, now armed to the teeth with former USC Trojans, proved itself more than worthy of competing with the big boys of the NFL as they shut down Flacco and the Ravens' offense. Cedric Benson carried the offense again, with 117 tough yards, and in probably the biggest example of karma in recent NFL memory, notorious all-around asshole Chris Henry had to leave the game with a broken forearm. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
Indianapolis 20 Houston 17
Peyton Manning threw an unheard of 40 passes in the first half yesterday. The Colts' coaching staff, concerned about how that early workload would affect his availability for Game 4, eased up in the second half to keep him fresh. Thanks to a late TD and a Ray Finkle impression by Houston kicker Kris Brown, the Colts will march into their annual meeting with the Patriots undefeated. Head coach Jim Caldwell could be a candidate for Coach of The Year, assuming he actually has anything to do with coaching the team.
New England 27 Miami 17
Everything seems to be falling into place for the Patriots; Brady looked sharp again, Randy Moss has a more Moss-ian day (6 catches, 147 yards, 1 TD), than we've seen lately, and there was even a Laurence Maroney sighting! Most importantly, the Pats have finally learned to contain the Wildcat offense as yesterday marked the second consecutive time they stifled the Dolphins. That probably won't have any bearing on the game against the Colts next week, but whatever, I have to fill space somehow. Peter King isn't the only guy who can fill his weekly column with useless info.
Tampa Bay 38 Green Bay 28
That silence you're hearing is all the Packer fans mourning the passing of their team's season. When you give up 6 sacks to a bunch of no-names, let a rookie QB who looks like Bobby Abreu throw 3 TD passes and lead a game-winning drive against your D, and get torched on a simple fade route by some guy named Sammy Stroughter, you know it's just not your year. Yesterday also marked the first time that Aaron Rodgers did appear to be holding the ball too long, but when the guy spends the whole first half scrambling with 2 injured feet, you can't really blame him.
Jacksonville 24 Kansas City 21
Mike Sims-Walker had another monster game and is beginning to challenge teammate Maurice Jones-Drew for the title of NFL's best hyphenated-named player. KC did have a small glimmer of hope in watching Matt Cassell play a good game and almost lead a late comeback charge. Cassell and new acquisition Chris Chambers looked good together after only a few weeks. Who knew that a young QB could play better with more weapons around him? Only an offensive genius like Todd Haley could figure that out.
Seattle 32 Detroit 20
Clearly inspired by my calling him out in last week's column, Matt Hasselbeck threw for 329 yards and a TD yesterday in leading his Seahawks to a come-from-behind victory over the Lions (although having to come from behind against the Lions isn't necessarily something to be proud of). After leading 17-0 early, the Lions fell apart behind Matt Stafford, who was suffering from a bout of Sanchez Disease (or was it Delhomme Syndrome?) as he threw 5 picks.
New Orleans 30 Carolina 20
De'angelo Williams had 149 yards and 2 touches for the Panthers, but it was his late fumble on his own 2-yard line that sealed Carolina's fate. After replays showed Williams coughing it up after barely being touched on the arm, cameras on the sidelines showed him saying "I was down!" to the team's RB coach. D, if you can convince yourself that you were down, then more power to you, but you sure as fuck were standing straight up in the air. Panther fans have to be upset, but hey, at least Jake Delhomme didn't blow the game. Oh by the way, Drew Brees threw for 330 yards and a TD.
San Diego 21 NY Giants 20
The Giants secondary is the Brad Lidge of their team; after a late 4th quarter TD gave them the lead, they absolutely imploded on the Chargers' last drive, giving up open play after open play, and culminating in Vincent Jackson catching a long TD pass with nobody within 5 yards of him. Last week the panic button was hit, this week the casket is being picked out for the G-Men's season. Big shout out to Shawn Merriman for getting 2 sacks and having his name mentioned for the first team this season without the words "choked Tila Tequila" included.
Tennessee 34 San Francisco 27
After his dynamite performance last week, Chris Johnson obviously took this week off and slacked his way to 135 yards and 2 TDs in the Titans' 2nd consecutive win. Vince Young played well, running for a TD and also not turning the ball over and not threatening to kill himself for the 2nd week in a row. Alex Smith and his small hands threw 3 picks in the loss, crippling the '9ers' chances.
Dallas 20 Philadelphia 16
Andy Reid's unconventional decision to play for the 4-point deficit rather than play to win cost his team dearly as Dallas got the first downs they needed and ran the clock out after the Eagles kicked a late FG down 7 instead of going for it on 4th down. Tony Romo played well again, Roy Williams got the touches he had been practically begging for, and the Cowboys established themselves as the best team in their division and a possible challenger to the Vikings and Saints for NFC supremacy (I know, I can't believe I just wrote that either).
Pittsburgh 24 Denver 13
The Steelers seem to have their swagger back and will drive Kyle Orton crazy tonight with their constant blitzing. Denver's D may have been exposed last week in the same way the Giants were by New Orleans a few weeks ago, so expect the surprisingly high-flying Steelers to air it out and attack the Denver secondary.
MNF Predictions for the season (Winners): 6-3