Part I is right here if you're too lazy to scroll down the page a little bit. Now we're getting into the big-time hate.
The good news is Kei Igawa hasn't pitched for the Yankees since 2008. The bad news is they are still paying his candyass gobs of money on the contract they signed him to in 2007. It has cost the Yankees $46 mil + to bring this guy into the fold between his posting fee and contract and when all is said and done he will have spent more time in Triple-A than in the Majors. I don't know what's more maddening, having to actually watch him pitch or seeing his name pop up every spring on the list of non-roster invites to Spring Training, almost like a yearly reminder of the team's stupidity in going after him in the first place. According to Wikipedia, Igawa enjoys playing "shogi," a Japanese version of chess. Well I certainly hope you're better at that than pitching, you horse-toothed asscluster. Don't take it as a racial thing, Kei, but I fucking hate you.
I'll spare Jeff the run through of his stats as a Yank, as there are actually some numbers he has put up for other teams that are worse. But I will remind him that he cost the team Ted Lilly, and that he gave up the game-losing walk-off 12th HR to Alex Gonzalez in the 2003 World Series, and that somebody actually tried to sell him on eBay during the season in 2003, and that I absolutely hated watching every pitch of every inning of every game he pitched as a Yankee. The bottom line is the guy was an absolute disaster as a Yankee starting pitcher and the fact that the team even managed to make the World Series in 2003 with him on the roster is a miracle right up there with the menorah lasting 7 days and 7 nights with only 1 day's worth of oil or whatever the hell the Hanukah story is. Jeff Weaver, I, like many other Yankee and Tiger and Mariner and Dodger and Angel fans, hate you.
Now any Yankee fan with half a brain knows that that grand slam wasn't Javy's fault. But that one pitch has lingered with him ever since he threw it and it was clear from the get go this season that he, like the fans, hadn't forgotten about it. The most frustrating thing about Javy was his seemingly ignorant, uncaring, indifferent attitude towards his diminished stuff and diminished confidence and his unwillingness to change his approach when what he used to do no longer worked. It was almost as if he had accepted the fact that he sucked, accepted the fact that he failed, and just went out there on the mound knowing he was going to get shelled and that's not something that I as a fan, former competitor in multiple sports, and current coach, cannot accept.
Javy, you're one of the last of a long line of unsuccessful free agent pitchers brought in by the Yankees and possibly the only one who didn't seem to care about that fact. And for that, I hate you.
His numbers also actually aren't horrible when you look at them as a whole, but if you watched him pitch you know he accumulated most of his stats against shitty teams in low-leverage situations. If the Red Sox, Angels, or Tigers were involved, you could bet every cent you had that he was going to shit the bed one way or another. Some of my most vivid Yankee viewing memories are of my dad and I watching games together and screaming in unison "THROW A FUCKING STRIKE!!" as Farnsworth would enter the game in the 8th and immediately go 3-0 against Julio Lugo or Orlando Cabrera. Just a big pussy in every sense of the word. The fact that the Yankees traded him in 2008 for Ivan Rodriguez, a washed up catcher that they didn't really need, tells you everything you need to know about the Kyle Farnsworth Era.
So fuck off, Kyle. I hate you and I hate your stupid Rec Specs. I hope you take a line drive right off of them and shards of plastic gouge out your fucking eyeballs.
And that wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that he made 40 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS from 2005-2008 to pitch in just 26 FUCKING GAMES. I repeat, 26 FUCKING GAMES!!!!! For every game he pitched in a Yankee uniform, Carl Pavano pocketed $1,538,461.54 or in other terms, MORE MONEY THAN I WILL EVER SEE IN MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!! And like Javy Vazquez, it was like he didn't even care. When you've got guys like Mike Mussina and Derek Jeter calling you out in the papers and in front of teammates without mercy, you know you're a fuck up. I read "The Yankee Years" and I got the impression that even Torre fucking hated Pavano.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, this motherfucker has had the audacity to be the model of fucking health over the last 2 years, making 33 starts in 2009 and 32 this year when he was, at times, the Twins' ace and grew that ridiculous mustache. 2 of my biggest regrets as a sports fan are that I wasn't at Pavano's final start as a Yankee on September 14, 2008 when he left with a hip injury so I could throw batteries at him, and that I will never get the chance to find him, kidnap him, tie him up in a dark basement somewhere, and burn the mustache right off of his stupid face. The fact that the Yankees have beaten him twice in the last 2 postseasons does nothing to quell the hatred I have inside for Carl Pavano. I will hate him until the day that he or I dies, whichever comes first. As a matter of fact, I want that to be written into my eulogy somewhere. "Brad was a good man. A good man who hated the fuck out of Carl Pavano." Yeah, that'll work. On behalf of Yankee fans everywhere, I just want to say that I hate you, Carl Pavano. Fuck off and die.
So there you have it, folks. My most hated Yankees. Some of them were pretty good players, but most were awful. Some are probably nice guys, and some are dicks. But whatever the case, I hate all of these dudes and are glad that only 1 of them is still in a Yankee uniform because I don't know what I would do if I had to put up with 2 or 3 or 4 of them on the same team, polluting it with their weakness. In closing, I would like to leave these 10 gentlemen with a last little message from the always-classy Silky Johnson.
A Child Of The Century
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