(This guy knows his sports, people)
There was a time when I was entertained by Chris Berman and his schtick. It was way back in the mid-to-late 90s, when I was still young and stupid, and awaiting the onset of puberty to at least attempt to mature me a little bit. I took great joy in hearing him say "RUMBLIN'-BUMBLIN'-STUMBLIN'!!!" when calling football highlights or make explosion noises when a Mike Alstott highlight came on. In a related story, I was a loser kid.
Since early high school, though, I've been keenly aware of a fact that many other intelligent sports fans know to be true; the fact that Chris Berman absolutely sucks. He's an abomination of a "sports personality;' a bloated, self-important, uninformed caricature of what an ESPN anchor/studio host/announcer is supposed to be, and the perfect visual and auditory representation of what ESPN has horribly mutated into over the past 10 years or so. So it was an entertainment dick punch to end all entertainment dick punches when the ESPN broadcast for last night's Yanks-Rays game began and I heard Berman's obnoxious voice come through my TV speakers. I was already planning on tipping a few brewskis back while I watched the game, but as I told my friend, my 12-pack didn't stand a fucking chance when I realized Berman was doing the play-by-play.
While there's nothing informative or entertaining in what Chris Berman says or how he says it as it relates to the sporting event he's blabbing about, his general buffoonery is good for a couple of laughs at his expense. Knowing this, I gritted my teeth and forced myself to concentrate and listen to what he said last night in the hopes that I could catch some good lines, and I think I came out with a few winners. Please know that I didn't enjoy doing this. It was practically torture. But my dedication to you dear readers knows no bounds. Without further ado, I present to you, The Worst of Chris Berman from last night's game.