Friday, June 10, 2011

Bartolo Colon Is The 900,000 Dollar Man

** CAPTAIN'S NOTE- This post was originally posted on 5/18 and got deleted during the little technical issue that Blogger had a few weeks ago.  But since it's all sadness and rain clouds in Yankeeland today and I don't feel like talking about any of that, I decided to brighten things up with a little comedy and re-post this gold.  A "Six Million Dollar Man" reference AND more Bartolo Colon fat jokes in the same post??  GodDAMN, I am hilarious!**

Nothing like getting some stem cells from your own fat hips injected into your shoulder to rejuvenate your career, huh? 

"According to a story in the Dominican daily Dairio Libre, the new life in Colon's arm could be partially attributable to two treatments of stem cells - or "células madre" as they're called in the Dominican Republic, where Colon had the procedures. The doctors, Sergio Guzman and Leonel Liriano, told the newspaper they... sent "an invitation" out to Colon, which he accepted in March 2010. Guzman was quick to insist, though, that when they took fatty tissue and bone marrow from Colon's hip and injected it into injured tissues in his rotator cuff and elsewhere in his right shoulder, they weren't doing anything revolutionary." (via MLB Trade Rumors)

I don't know what was a more genius move, Colon opting for this treatment to try and bring some life back what was his completely dead arm or the Yankees for picking him up.  And if you don't think Cash knew that this had happened before he even started watching Colon in the Dominican winter league let alone before he decided to sign Colon, then you are just a dope.  Once again, Cash was playing chess while other GMs were playing checkers.

Apparently MLB is now looking into this situation after the report came out yesterday, but as Ben from RAB wisely pointed out, there really isn't much they can do and nothing illegal happened, so this was a calculated risk that has seemingly paid off for Colon and the Yankees.

Announcer: "Bartolo Colon.  Pitcher.  A man barely alive."

Cash: "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to inject stem cells from the butt into the shoulder to create the world's first 38-year-old man-titted effective starting pitcher. Bartolo Colon will be that pitcher. Better than he was before.  Better...stronger...faster.  But still pretty fat."


I really don't know what to say.  I really don't.  I had all the confidence in the world that the Yankees would sack up, rally behind CC last night, and at least salvage a win and a share of the division lead from this series last night.  I was so confident that I even broke out the sarcasm before the game when I made fun of the MSM and their collective hand wringing after the first 2 games.

Unfortunately the Yankees didn't hold up their end of the bargain, bowing down again last night 8-3 to Fraud Sawx Nation.  They led 2-0 after the first 2 batters in the bottom of the first and then managed to get nothing off of Josh Beckett for the next 7 innings, even when they had the bases loaded in the bottom of the 2nd.  That's just horseshit, no other to say it.

I'm well aware of the insignificance that this series will most likely hold in the grand scheme of the 162-game season, hence the aforementioned sarcasm yesterday.  But losing still sucks, losing to your biggest rival still sucks, and the sucktitude of any loss gets magnified when it comes as a result of playing piss-poor baseball.  This team still can't hit when it has to, it still plays sloppy defense, it still has questions in the rotation, and its bullpen is in complete tatters after yesterday's bad news about Joba.  I don't know when things are going to start turning around, and I'd like to say it will happen when the plummeting Indians come into town, but with the way the Yanks are playing right now, that's far from a certainty.

The best thing you can say about this series was at least somebody finally hit this asshole:

(Screen cap used courtesy of RAB)

Unfortunately, that doesn't do nearly enough to ease the sting of another beatdown.