Monday, October 5, 2009

AB4AR's Week 4 NFL Wrap-Up

Week 4 Recap

Chicago 48 Detroit 24

Matt Forte finally got going to the tune of 121 rushing yards and a TD and Jay Cutler earned more fans in both the stands and in the locker room with his gutsy, Elway-esque leap into the end zone on a first quarter TD run. Of course, in true Jay Cutler fashion, he called his leap better than Elway's famous Super Bowl play. The good news for Matt Stafford is that he might miss next week's game with a knee injury suffered late in the game. Yes, you read that right, I said "good news" because let's face it, being injured is way better than playing for the Lions.

Cincinnati 23 Cleveland 20

Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco did just enough to win in a game that was closer than it should have been and Rich Gannon provided some evidence that ex-players with former head and neck injuries shouldn't be allowed to commentate as he pulled a Donovan McNabb in OT and forgot the NFL rules. Cleveland exploded for 2, count them 2!!, offensive touchdowns behind Horse Balls Anderson. On the negative side, Cleveland's rookie WR, Mohamed Massaquoi's 8-catch, 148 yard performance earned him a spot on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list because let's face it, every guy named Mohamed is a terrorist.

Indianapolis 34 Seattle 17

Peyton Manning put on another masterful performance, throwing for 350+ yards and 2TDs as the patchwork Colts marched on to 4-0. Manning's play was so outstanding that the US government signed a bill that will replace the image of George Washington leading his troops across the Delaware River to one of Manning. The Colts' fast start to this season compared to last season's bumbling beginning raises the question of whether or not God's Servant, Tony Dungy, was overrated as a football coach. Maybe, just maybe, being a "good Christian" has nothing to do with success in sports.

NY Giants 27 Kansas City 16

New York's version of Steve Smith seems to be just as good, if not better, than his Carolina counterpart as he put up 11 catches for 134 yards and 2 TDs in yesterday's win, and did it all without punching any teammates in the face or puking into at garbage can on the sideline. New York received a scare when Eli Manning injured his heel late in the game, but team officials said after they put a Power Rangers Band-Aid on it in the locker room and gave Eli a Capri Sun to drink while he watched "Go Diego, Go!" he felt all better.

New England 27 Baltimore 21

Tom Brady looked much improved against the blitz this week as New England re-staked their claim as the best team in the AFC. With the combination of his offensive line and the officials protecting him, Brady executed clutch drives to keep New England out front against a game Baltimore team. Despite being vocal in his criticism of the 2 roughing the passer calls against his team that kept drives alive, Ray Lewis stopped short of saying those calls murdered Baltimore's chances to win.

Washington 16 Tampa Bay 13

After a horrific 1st half performance that had Terry Bradshaw calling for his being benched, Jason Campbell rebounded in the 2nd half to lead the Redskins to a victory that they desperately needed, and he and coach, Jim Zorn, desperately needed to keep their jobs. Tampa backup QB Josh Johnson wasn't horrible, which by Tampa QB standards means he was the best QB of all-time, but still not good enough to win.

Jacksonville 37 Tennessee 17

The power of the new unis is growing stronger as Jacksonville thoroughly dominated Tennessee yesterday behind 323 passing yards and 3 TDs from David Garrard. Can everybody just stop talking about Tennessee being the best 0-3 team ever now and just call them what they are? They're a shitty football team, plain and simple. They're undisciplined defensively and give up way too many big plays and their passing game is so awful right now, they are actually thinking about digging up Steve McNair to start next week.

What? Too soon?

Houston 29 Oakland 6

If Houston could play Oakland every week they might finally be able to live up to the hype they've had for the last 3 seasons. A bright spot for Oakland, though, was that Jamarcus Russell finally completed more than 10 passes in a game. Yeah, he still threw almost twice as many incompletions as completions, but hey, you gotta start somewhere. Head Coach Tom Cable could be arrested this week for punching one of his assistants in the face earlier this year, but with the way things are going in Oakland, playing without a head coach could be the change of pace they need.

Miami 38 Buffalo 10

In a brilliant strategic decision, Buffalo decided to play straight up defense against first-time starter, Chad Henne, and dare Miami to beat them with the run. The Dolphins were more than happy to oblige as they racked up 250 rushing yards on the way to a 38-10 throttling of the Bills. Buffalo sucks so bad that Toronto doesn't even want them to play games there anymore and T.O. is reportedly considering trying to not kill himself again.

New Orleans 24 NY Jets 10

After 3 weeks of victories overshadowing his marginal play, Mark Sanchez got knocked down a peg yesterday as his 3-INT performance helped doom the Jets against the Saints. New Orleans' defense matched the stellar play of the Jets and showed that they are more than up to the task of sticking with Drew Brees and the high-powered offense. If only the dams and barriers around New Orleans could have been as strong as the Saints' D back when Katrina hit, then maybe things wouldn't have turned out so bad.

Denver 17 Dallas 10

"There aren't many quarterbacks in the league who can make that throw," gushed Troy Aikman as Tony Romo completed a difficult pass in the 3rd quarter. That's true, Troy, but there are also a lot of quarterbacks who can complete the simple passes to wide open receivers that Romo botched time and time again yesterday, so pull Tony's sack out of your mouth and shut the fuck up. Dallas is clearly well on their way to another 9-7 season while Denver might be legit at 4-0 behind their surprisingly good defense. It also helps that Kyle Orton has thrown 5 TDs and 0 picks so far this year.

San Francisco 35 St. Louis 0

San Fran's defense outscored the Rams' offense yesterday, 14-0 in a game that bordered on unwatchable. LB Patrick Willis was a monster for the 49ers, as he tallied 8 tackles, 2.5 sacks, and 1 interception that was returned for a touchdown. Things are so bad in St. Louis that the Rams put a call in to Tony LaRussa to see if Albert Pujols was available to play tight end next week, and Steve Spagnuolo put in a call to Plaxico Burress asking if Plax could come shoot him.

Pittsburgh 38 San Diego 28

I know the pink ribbons and arm bands and cleats were for breast cancer awareness, or breast awareness as Chris Berman put it on "Sunday NFL Countdown" (and honestly, what's the difference anyway?),

but they might as well have signified how soft the Chargers defense is as they got pushed around all day by the not-so-dominating Steelers' offensive line. LaDainian Tomlinson now officially has one foot in his NFL grave after a 7-carry, 15 yard performance that culminated with him being on the sidelines at crunch time again. No word on whether or not LT sprained his ankle stepping into the grave.

MNF Prediction

Green Bay 28 Minnesota 26

Apparently tonight is the night that Brett Favre returns to face his former team for the first time. I wasn't aware of this since media outlets like ESPN never seem to cover or mention Brett Favre at all, but people around the office have been talking about this morning and I'm going to take them at their word. Green Bay's corners should match up well with Minnesota's thin WR corps, and something inside me (mostly my being a Packer's fan) tells me the Pack will find a way to pull this one out.

MNF Predictions for the season (Winners): 4-0