piece on ESPN.com instead makes Papelbon look like one of the biggest assclowns in sports.
"Every time I'm in the gym struggling, feeling like [expletive], I look up at the TV, and it gives me a kick."
- referring to video footage of his Game 3 ALDS meltdown.
Yeah, dude. Don't be too cliche with that garbage. Let me guess, you've also got "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background while you chase chickens around your basement and have Dustin Pedroia hit you in the stomach while you do situps.
"It's something I really had a lot of pride in and cherished, my scoreless postseason run..."
"The difference between All-Stars and Hall of Famers is that they don't stay in ruts. So I'm going to get in a four-wheel drive and pull right out of that mud hole.''
"Got a name picked out,'' Papelbon says. "Gunner Roberts. The significance? Nothing, man. Just a badass name, so we went with it.'' - referring to his soon-to-be-born son.
Because badass always trumps something significant, bro. Although with a name like Jonathan Papelbon, I can't say I blame him for trying to make his son sound a little less lame. "Jonathan Papelbon" sounds like some guy who comes forward in his mid-30s to claim he was raped by his priest.
"I had no idea we got [John] Lackey until [trainer Mike] Reinold came down to see me, just a few days ago,'' he said. "I swear to you. I don't know anything about the ballclub, but I know the words to the 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse' song."'
Adrian Beltre deal? He hadn't heard. Casey Kotchman about to be traded to the Mariners? Nope. Mike Cameron? "Cameron, Mike Cameron?'' he said. "We got him? I swear to you, I didn't know.''
Fuckin' ixnayed the shit out of it, bro. Gotta have that extra couple hundred thou, man, you know? How else am I supposed to afford the new Disney Sing-Along DVDs AND Hannah Montana concert tickets for my daughter?
Now Papelbon is in line for another big raise, one that almost certainly will make him the eighth Sox player to be paid $9 million or more in 2010. Only the Yankees, with 10, have more...
This actually has nothing to do with Papelbon. It's just always fun to point out how the Red Sox aren't exactly the small market, scrappy little ballclub trying to compete with the big bad Yankees, as much as ESPN would like you to think they are. How the ESPN editors allowed Edes to even write, let alone print, that sentence is beyond me. Poor Gordon is probably in an electrical closet somewhere in Bristol getting waterboarded by an ESPN exec and Tim Kurjian.
"Heck yeah, as far as what me and my brain are thinking..."- Papelbon referring to the notion that he should command $10 million per year.
"...when you look at what I've done so far, you can't compare it to many other closers besides Mo [Rivera].''
Except that Mo has only gotten better since his first 4 seasons and is arguably better now, staring down the barrel of 40, than he was in his 20s and 30s, and Papelbon has seen his numbers decline slightly since 2006, culminating in career worsts in walks, K/BB ratio, and WHIP in 2009. Again, why the fuck would Gordon Edes include this info in this story and how did The Leader let it happen?
"This kid???" What is Daniel Bard, a fucking middle schooler? And when did Papelbon suddenly become a "grizzled veteran?" If I were Daniel Bard I would march into spring training and beat the shit out of Papelbon for saying that.
And as far as this cat-and-mouse game he keeps referring to, I'm assuming that since he always has the Disney Channel on instead of ESPN that Papelbon is the mouse.
"I'd love to have that sense of security of being with a team and knowing, 'Hey, they want me, and I want them, let's have a happy marriage.'"
Let's cuddle together. Let's dance around in our compression shorts on the field. Let's make sure I get my $10 million.
"But what do I have to give up to be in that marriage? Understand, I'm in the prime of my career. Why would I give up something?"
So there you have it. Jonathan Papelbon is using ground-breaking techniques like using past failures to motivate himself, doesn't know anybody on his team and doesn't care to, doesn't have a number in place for what he thinks he deserves from the Red Sox but knows it should be at least $10 million, and is leading the revolution against oppressive GMs and owners everywhere. God, what a guy. Obama might as well sign the bill now to have Roosevelt's face taken off Mt. Rushmore and have it replaced with Papelbon's.
And if all that wasn't bad enough, ESPN throws a sidebar comparing Papelbon's and Rivera's first 4 seasons. It looked something like this:
Papelbon vs. Rivera
A look at how Jonathan Papelbon's first four seasons stacks up against the first four years of Mariano Rivera's career.
ERA 1.74 2.14
ERA+ 270 216
WHIP 0.92 1.06
Saves 151 160
Blown Saves 17 23
K per 9 10.6 6.9
Postseason ERA 1.17 0.83
WS Titles 1 3
So let's see, Mariano had more saves, a better postseason ERA, and more rings than Papelbon, while Jonathan was slightly better in all other, less important, categories. The fact that those are there splits through the first 4 years proves that there is no reason to ever compare Papelbon to Rivera because he wasn't better than him in his early years and isn't better than Mo now when he is in his prime and Mo is in his 40s.
But hey, Mo never tried to "pave the way" for his fellow closers against GMs who aren't willing to give their closers that extra couple hundred thousand in their multi-million-dollar contracts while everyday people like you and me are left to worry about whether our company is going to fire us or go under. So yeah, ESPN, Papelbon is clearly the Penn to Mo's Teller.
THE TROY TULOWITZKI SAGA
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