Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tiger Bad, Jeter Good

Video courtesy of Half Day Today

Since there really isn't much in Yankee land worth discussing seriously today, I'll just use this as my opportunity to join the rest of the world in having some fun at Tiger Woods' expense.

To quote Chris Russo: "What is Tiger Woods doing here???  What is he doing here??!!  That's a bad job in a big spot by Tiger!  Just a terrible job by Tiger."

Dude, you're Tiger Fucking Woods.  You're easily the most well-known athlete on the planet and possibly one of the top 5-10 most recognized people period on the planet.  You're worth a billion dollars.  What the fuck are you doing getting married in the first place???  Sure your old lady is hot and all, but again I say: YOU'RE TIGER FUCKING WOODS!!!!  You could bang any chick you want.  Why tie yourself down with the shackles of matrimony when you know you're going to have chicks throwing their panties at you anytime you're out and about.  It's a hell of a lot cheaper to pay a few hundred for an abortion if you accidentally knock up some dumpster one night than to have to pay your wife tens of millions of dollars.  And if you are going to be dumb and sleazy enough to cheat on your wife this much, at least have it be with some worthwhile chicks.  I can pick up girls better than what you got on an average night out in Milwaukee.  And that's MILWAUKEE.

This is the kind of shit that Derek Jeter has done a masterful job of avoiding his entire career.  His list of conquests reads like a Murder's Row of knockouts: Mariah Carey in her prime, Miss Universe, Jordana Brewster, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union, Jessica Alba, and Minka Kelly.  The guy's good looking, has money, and is a big name in the big world of sports and he knows that ample amounts of pussy come with that status.  But never has he ever gotten himself into even a speck of trouble with any of these women.

It's because Jeter has never been big about making these flings big; you can hardly ever find any pictures of him out anywhere with anybody, he's never been caught cheating on anybody, never has voicemails or texts stuck on his phone, and has never gotten dragged into any drama with any of his ladies.  The dude does it the right way; date 'em, have fun with 'em, don't make a spectacle of the relationship, end it amicably, and move on to the next conquest.  Jeter didn't just write the book on how to be a rich, handsome celebrity, he printed the fucking paper the book is written on and binded the motherfucker when he was done writing it.  Justin Timberlake should have to pay a fee to Jeter for copywrite infringement anytime he hooks up with a new celebrity.

Not to mention Jeter has never been caught up with any scuzzy skeezers like Tiger has been.  I don't even need to rattle the list off again, but for the sake of comparison go back up and skim through that greatest hits collection.  You don't see any trashy reality TV show bitches or manly looking club owners in there anywhere; just prime, Grade-A hot chicks.

Is it any wonder Jeter won Sportsman of the Year?  Not only is he performing at the highest level on the field, he's also showing everybody how it's done off the field.  The Turn 2 Foundation is a great cause, but if Jeter really wants to give back to the community, he should travel the country during the baseball offseason and give seminars on how to conduct yourself when you're a famous professional athlete with a special section on how to handle the ladies.