Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Top 10 Most Hated Yankees: Part II

Part I is right here if you're too lazy to scroll down the page a little bit.  Now we're getting into the big-time hate.

5) Kei Igawa- I can't even think about Kei Igawa without getting nauseous.  And then I look at him and before you know it my lunch is on my shoes.  I mean really, just LOOK at this asshole!  It's like Droopy Dog had sex with a hideous Japanese woman with no talent and out popped Baby Kei.  Then you add in the nifty sunglasses he always wore on the mound because the light bothered him and he hated pitching during the day (awwwwwwww!!) and you're looking at quite possibly the goofiest-looking motherfucker to ever disgrace a Major League pitching mound.  And his performance in a Yankee uniform was almost as hideous as his physical appearance.  2-4 record in 13 career starts, a 1.758 career WHIP, 11.2 H/9, 4.6 BB/9, 1.9 HR/9, and a perfectly fitting 6.66 career ERA (the number of the beast seems very appropriate for such an ugly dude).

The good news is Kei Igawa hasn't pitched for the Yankees since 2008.  The bad news is they are still paying his candyass gobs of money on the contract they signed him to in 2007.  It has cost the Yankees $46 mil + to bring this guy into the fold between his posting fee and contract and when all is said and done he will have spent more time in Triple-A than in the Majors.  I don't know what's more maddening, having to actually watch him pitch or seeing his name pop up every spring on the list of non-roster invites to Spring Training, almost like a yearly reminder of the team's stupidity in going after him in the first place.  According to Wikipedia, Igawa enjoys playing "shogi," a Japanese version of chess.  Well I certainly hope you're better at that than pitching, you horse-toothed asscluster.  Don't take it as a racial thing, Kei, but I fucking hate you.

4) Jeff Weaver- Ahh yes, good old Jeff Weaver.  He was A.J. Burnett in pinstripes before A.J. Burnett was A.J. Burnett in pinstripes.  A guy with all the talent in the world and no mental toughness or hair on the old apple bag to back it up, Weaver wilted under the NY pressure almost immediately after he was acquired in 2002 and his pained looks and dugout tantrums were almost as memorable as his shitty pitching.  And how ironic that this picture of him biting his glove in frustration was the exact same thing I was doing every time I had to watch him.

I'll spare Jeff the run through of his stats as a Yank, as there are actually some numbers he has put up for other teams that are worse.  But I will remind him that he cost the team Ted Lilly, and that he gave up the game-losing walk-off 12th HR to Alex Gonzalez in the 2003 World Series, and that somebody actually tried to sell him on eBay during the season in 2003, and that I absolutely hated watching every pitch of every inning of every game he pitched as a Yankee.  The bottom line is the guy was an absolute disaster as a Yankee starting pitcher and the fact that the team even managed to make the World Series in 2003 with him on the roster is a miracle right up there with the menorah lasting 7 days and 7 nights with only 1 day's worth of oil or whatever the hell the Hanukah story is.  Jeff Weaver, I, like many other Yankee and Tiger and Mariner and Dodger and Angel fans, hate you.

3) Javier Vazquez- Javy is an interesting case because out of all the guys on this list (with the exception of Giambi), his numbers as a Yankee really aren't THAT bad.  Sure he sucked this year, but he started off his Yankee career in 2004 with an All-Star appearance.  However, after that it was all downhill.  He sucked for the rest of the 2004 regular season and then sucked in the postseason, culminating the suckiness by giving up a grand slam to Johnny Damon on his first pitch in Game 7 of the ALCS that all but sealed the Yankees' fate in that game.

Now any Yankee fan with half a brain knows that that grand slam wasn't Javy's fault.  But that one pitch has lingered with him ever since he threw it and it was clear from the get go this season that he, like the fans, hadn't forgotten about it.  The most frustrating thing about Javy was his seemingly ignorant, uncaring, indifferent attitude towards his diminished stuff and diminished confidence and his unwillingness to change his approach when what he used to do no longer worked.  It was almost as if he had accepted the fact that he sucked, accepted the fact that he failed, and just went out there on the mound knowing he was going to get shelled and that's not something that I as a fan, former competitor in multiple sports, and current coach, cannot accept.

Javy, you're one of the last of a long line of unsuccessful free agent pitchers brought in by the Yankees and possibly the only one who didn't seem to care about that fact.  And for that, I hate you.

2) Kyle Farnsworth- Jesus Fucking Christ on a Stick, I hate Kyle Farnsworth.  I never wanted him on the team to begin with, I never wanted him to enter a single game after the Yankees did sign him, and every time he was on the mound I was left with nothing but feelings of dread and horror about what he was going to do to blow the game.  And he even looked and acted like a complete asshat the whole time he was with the Yankees, like the big muscly frat guy at every college party who can't handle his Natty Light and just stumbles around talking shit and trying to start fights with everybody.  Even though he isn't Number 1 on this list, if there is one Yankee in all of the team's history that I could kick in the fucking balls, it would be Kyle Farnsworth.

His numbers also actually aren't horrible when you look at them as a whole, but if you watched him pitch you know he accumulated most of his stats against shitty teams in low-leverage situations.  If the Red Sox, Angels, or Tigers were involved, you could bet every cent you had that he was going to shit the bed one way or another.  Some of my most vivid Yankee viewing memories are of my dad and I watching games together and screaming in unison "THROW A FUCKING STRIKE!!" as Farnsworth would enter the game in the 8th and immediately go 3-0 against Julio Lugo or Orlando Cabrera.  Just a big pussy in every sense of the word.  The fact that the Yankees traded him in 2008 for Ivan Rodriguez, a washed up catcher that they didn't really need, tells you everything you need to know about the Kyle Farnsworth Era.

So fuck off, Kyle.  I hate you and I hate your stupid Rec Specs.  I hope you take a line drive right off of them and shards of plastic gouge out your fucking eyeballs.

1) Carl Pavano- Goddamn you, Carl Pavano.  Goddamn you straight to the deepest, darkest, most fiery depths of Hell where you can be raped repeatedly with a re-creation of that spiked strap-on dildo thing that Leland Orser killed the stripper with in Seven (was that too much?).  Another one of the "He spanked us so we must sign him" pitchers that the Yankees threw money at, Pavano's Yankee tenure might be the most frustrating ever.  When he did pitch, he wasn't bad.  But the problem was that HE NEVER FUCKING PITCHED!!!  If it wasn't one injury it was another.  When he was supposed to be coming back from one, he was bringing up other injuries that he had sustained in a car accident and didn't tell the team about.  Sprained shoulders, bruised buttocks, broken ribs, strained elbows, dinged hips, hang nails, scraped knees, posion ivy, ingrown hairs, and severe menstrual cramps, you name it and he had it.

And that wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that he made 40 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS from 2005-2008 to pitch in just 26 FUCKING GAMES.  I repeat, 26 FUCKING GAMES!!!!!  For every game he pitched in a Yankee uniform, Carl Pavano pocketed $1,538,461.54 or in other terms, MORE MONEY THAN I WILL EVER SEE IN MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!!  And like Javy Vazquez, it was like he didn't even care.  When you've got guys like Mike Mussina and Derek Jeter calling you out in the papers and in front of teammates without mercy, you know you're a fuck up.  I read "The Yankee Years" and I got the impression that even Torre fucking hated Pavano.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, this motherfucker has had the audacity to be the model of fucking health over the last 2 years, making 33 starts in 2009 and 32 this year when he was, at times, the Twins' ace and grew that ridiculous mustache.  2 of my biggest regrets as a sports fan are that I wasn't at Pavano's final start as a Yankee on September 14, 2008 when he left with a hip injury so I could throw batteries at him, and that I will never get the chance to find him, kidnap him, tie him up in a dark basement somewhere, and burn the mustache right off of his stupid face.  The fact that the Yankees have beaten him twice in the last 2 postseasons does nothing to quell the hatred I have inside for Carl Pavano.  I will hate him until the day that he or I dies, whichever comes first.  As a matter of fact, I want that to be written into my eulogy somewhere.  "Brad was a good man.  A good man who hated the fuck out of Carl Pavano."  Yeah, that'll work.  On behalf of Yankee fans everywhere, I just want to say that I hate you, Carl Pavano.  Fuck off and die.

So there you have it, folks.  My most hated Yankees.  Some of them were pretty good players, but most were awful.  Some are probably nice guys, and some are dicks.  But whatever the case, I hate all of these dudes and are glad that only 1 of them is still in a Yankee uniform because I don't know what I would do if I had to put up with 2 or 3 or 4 of them on the same team, polluting it with their weakness.  In closing, I would like to leave these 10 gentlemen with a last little message from the always-classy Silky Johnson.

4 comments:

nutballgazette said...

There has to be room for Randy (The Little WEE Wee) Johnson
I would replace him or at least make it a tie with His Brother Nick

Rasheeda Cooper said...

Wow...I forgot about Kyle Farnsworth. I think I might actually despise him more than Pavano, and that's no easy task.

I might actually be willing to trade places with Javy and Kevin Brown; I think Brown was by far the worst of the two. Javy gave it a decent go, at least. Great list, Captain.

Matt said...

Great blog here. I can't get behind the Giambi hate tho. He did his job and did it well as a Yankee. I don't think he can be blamed for the misery that was the 2000's. Lest we forget he hit those two solo shots in the 2003 ALCS Game 7 when no one else was doing shit. Of course thats overshadowed by Aaron Boone, and rightfully so. I do see what your saying about the trend he started tho. But hey, if a few things are done differently (Rivera doesn't throw the double play ball to the outfield, no Papi heroics, and the bugs stay out of Cleveland) your looking at maybe 3 more titles. Speaking of bugs, Joba is making a case for cracking the top 10.

The Captain said...

Nutball, Randy would have made the list of honorable (dishonorable?) mentions. Everybody had crazy expectations for him without realizing he was older than shit, and he still put up 17 wins and an ERA in the mid-3.00s. But he definitely got consideration.

Rasheeda, in terms of awfulness, Brown probably should have been higher. But the fact that Javy completely lost it in the 2nd half of 2004 and then the Yankees were dumb enough to bring him back got him the bump up the list.

Matt, I know my Giambi hatred is more than most people have for him. I just can't shake the association of him with the poorly-constructed teams of the mid-2000s which all started with his signing. And yeah, assuming he doesn't get traded to a team that wants to try to make him a starter again, I can see Joba ending up on this list within the next couple years. He's got a 'Farnsworth 2.0' complex about him.