(Sweet shirt, bro. Courtesy of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing)
... Because he's fixin' to dish out a written spanking to Alex Rodriguez. We've been having some fun with the early MSM outcry in response to the latest A-Rod PED story on the AB4AR Facebook Page today, and for my money Ian O'Conner's piece from yesterday takes the cake. It's a horrifically brilliant combination of moral grandstanding, lazy logic, self-disagreement and contradiction, and regurgitated attempts to state what is already known. In short, it's a typical "write it as quickly as possible and get it posted so we can get pageviews" ESPN NY Yankee post.
Lowlights after the jump...
"If Alex Rodriguez's primary goal in life is to be remembered forever, well, congratulations are in order.
'His contract will go down as the worst in sports history,' one baseball official said Tuesday."
"Thanks, Ian and one baseball official, for clarifying what the rest of us already knew 2-3 years ago," the entire intelligent baseball fan/analyst/writer/blogger/source/whatever base said Wednesday.
"Rodriguez has brought $275 million worth of pain and suffering to the New York Yankees... "
Yeah, that 2009 World Series championship was so painful to endure. It was practically torture. I almost didn't want the Yankees to win because of A-Rod's contract.
" ... and then some."
Like 8 playoff berths, 6 division titles, 7 All Star appearances, 3 Silver Sluggers, 2 MVPs, and unknown but certainly significant amounts of additional revenue.
"His chance to go down as the greatest of them all -- the greatest cheat and liar the game has known... "
Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, Pete Rose, Gaylord Perry, the Black Sox. Any of those names ring a bell?
"A-Rod had better hope he's somehow a victim here, because if the allegations are true he should do what Lance Armstrong did: take his bike and go home."
Bat. Take his bat and go home. Baseball players don't ride bikes. And that's minus 1 point for using a cheap, easy, timely reference.
"Much as the Yankees are hoping and praying Rodriguez someday approaches them with the offer of a buyout on the five years and $114 million remaining on his 10-year deal, Rodriguez isn't likely to cut them any break."
Then why did you bother saying he should take his bike and go home? You and I both know that's not going to happen.
"Why would he?"
He wouldn't. Duh.
"The Yankees were the ones foolish enough to give him that $275 million contract... and Rodriguez is going to hold them to it."
Then what the hell is your point?? Why am I reading this article???
"It would be game, set, match for Alex," said one person closely monitoring the case."
So he's playing tennis now too? On a bike?
"Rodriguez would keep playing anyway, keep forcing the Yankees to pay him an ungodly wage after he recovers from his latest surgery and after he serves a potential suspension."
So then it's not actually game, set, match? What am I missing here?
/feels part of brain start to shut down
"... Rodriguez always reminded the Yankees there was a price beyond his salary to pay for suiting up the sport's answer to Lindsay Lohan."
Yes, there's a perfect comparison. Because in addition to PED use, A-Rod is also a notorious drunk, drug abuser, and borderline prostitute who regularly gets arrested for various offenses and fails to show up to the ballpark every day to do his job.
Seriously, there is absolutely NOTHING that Alex Rodriguez and Lindsay Lohan have in common other than that the fact that they share space in the tabloids. And that name drop isn't even timely.
"But if it's proved Rodriguez did buy PEDs from Biogenesis, the clinic the New Times describes as "the East Coast version of BALCO," his 2009 narrative will end up sounding as real as Manti Te'o's girlfriend."
Boom, roasted! Minus 2...
"The same man who once upstaged the World Series by opting out of his contract has upstaged Super Bowl week by allegedly opting out of his responsibility as a clean athlete … again."
Maybe in your world, Ian. But in the real world A-Rod didn't upstage anything. Did you even watch ESPN yesterday? It was pretty much wall-to-wall Super Bowl coverage with an intense focus on Ray Lewis and his own banned substance problems. A-Rod was a blip on the radar.
"Maybe Rodriguez will come up with new answers for baseball investigators, just as Lance Armstrong came up with new answers for Oprah Winfrey."
Minus 3! And a bonus point taken away for referencing Lance Armstrong twice in the same article.
"In the end, Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez outplayed them all [other guys who had bad contracts]. He should take a victory lap around the bases for that."
On his bike. On his dirty, cheating, $275 million bad contract bike. And when he gets to home plate, Ian will be there waiting to remind him that he's the biggest cheater and liar in the history of baseball, the history of humanity, and the history of life forms on this planet as we know it.
Is A-Rod an idiot if it turns out this is true and he did get caught for a second time? Yes. Is he a jerk for doing it? Maybe. Has anything been proven true yet? No. And that's a key point to remember here. Nothing has been presented confirming that this particular Alex Rodriguez is the one referenced in the clinic records, which is an important point that I'll admit I probably glossed over when I wrote about this story yesterday.
When the investigations are complete and the truth comes out, that would be the time to rake A-Rod over the coals. But at this point is it even worth it? Does it really come as such a shock and disappointment anymore to find out that elite or once elite athletes are using steroids? That's the world we live in, and it's a path A-Rod has already been down once. I'm sorry he lied to you when you were in the locker room feeling cool because you got to interview him, Ian, but grow up. Get over it.